wholefoodnut's Journal, 03 Oct 15

That's a tough one -- she's obviously very lonely and you're very sweet to try to 'accommodate' her . . . it may just require a more direct/aggressive tone(?) Something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling much like company today and I have a lot to get done." -- THEN maybe follow-that up by offering an alternative time for a visit where you suggest that YOU come by her place (that way you can leave when you need to/want)? 

Maybe include her in the yard work. Give her a chair to sit in and ask if she mind adding the soil to the pots for you. Explain that you are trying to beat the frost and need to get some yard work done. She just might be happy to help. 

Yes, I thought ask her to help you. She'll either enjoy doing it, or realise you have things to do. Or, you could always find a polite but firm way to say you're really busy at the moment, but you'd love to talk to her another time, and maybe set a time when she can come round. What if she comes again tomorrow? You do have to resolve this. 

That is a tough dilemma - who else in the neighborhood needs company? Maybe get the two of them together! A three hour visit when uninvited is rude. I know you want to be kind...you may just want to continue your tasks while she is there and eventually she might understand you are too busy to talk. 

Being almost that age myself, I would tell her you must get some things done and she's welcome to come out and keep you company. Sit her in a chair and go about your business. Work at your usual speed. Let her ramble if she likes, but just keep going. I'm old and alone and talk to much. If she just wants company, she'll enjoy being around even if you're busily working. I would. If she doesn't, she'll stop coming without you having to say anything. My 2 cents. 

Do you have a senior center near? We have one in Odessa and there's a big one in Blue Springs. My aunt and uncle spend a lot of time there. Maybe you could mention it and ask if she's ever been there? 

lOVE -- The ideas so far. She has had a broken hip and has trouble navigating any uneven surface. I'll have to try helping her into my back yard and a chair on my patio. She has no interests besides her former profession, it was her life. It's So sad when that happens and someone has no interests to pursue. She was forced into retirement at around 84 due to the hip fracture. She is not trying to be rude but just gets bored. She owned restaurants for 50+ years and was used to the constant people contact. She does get out with her friends etc, has no use for the senior center as those people have "old" attitudes, per her comments. LOL . Though I think some of the classes might be good for her. Neighbors are not an option. There are a lot of old issues in the primarily Baptist older generation in the neighborhood with her deceased DH. He was Mormon and a possible "sister wife issue". Lots of speculation rumors on that are still going around ;)) "Friend" Maxine died 2 years ago in her mid 90's, more family than friend, she and her children had lived with them since they bought the house. Her children were raised as part of the 'FAMILY." The older residents are also original owners as they bought the homes new in the late 50'w early 60's I live in a city where the headquarters of the Mormon church is and the magnificent "Stairway to Heaven", surprising that we do not hear more of that bigamy and more issue. I've never asked the questions and do not intend to. I'm a newbie here, only 6 years. I know at least parts of the story from her, I suspect not all, as I assume the sister wife is probably true. So in any event whatever.... LOL hard to talk when I really need to mow my grass... last Sunday she did the same. Hoping tomorrow the football games keep her busy as mowing is way overdue. Johanne, she goes somewhere out that way on Thursdays to listen to gospel music with a friend of hers. Not sure where. I think Grain Valley. We have a very active Senior center here in Independence as I suggested to my Mom when she moved here to get involved not knowing anyone. She did, it was good for her. Also many very active people but Hazel (neighbor) pooh poos senior anything as "old fuddy duddies". There is a nice gym and classes that she could use to keep up with walking and post hip replacement exercises, she won't listen to that. No charges if you are on medicare due to the silver something plans.  

I like the suggestions everyone here made. She is just lonely and likes your company. If you don't say something she will not take the hint. I had a neighbor that moved next door, she wanted to hang with me all of the time, she had no other friends since she was new in town. The first two days it was fine but it get's really old, really fast. Luckily for me she moved away after a week, back then I was too shy to say anything but now I would be just honest. I like my free time, I like my alone time and I have chores to do. 

Good luck with that, Jeri. I wonder if the key fact here is that she reminds you of your Mom? You are very kind, and she is being inconsiderate, really. It's a shame she doesn't get on with the other neighbours. That's an interesting story about her life, too. Hope you get your jobs done today! 

Maybe you could tell her that you have jobs to do now before it gets cold /dark / weather turns or whatever but offer to pop round later for cup of coffee when you have finished your jobs?  

I agree with giving her some chores to do .....after all if she is bored she can pitch in !! 

Re: helping I'm not sure what she could do. I'm trying to get my yard ready for winter cutting herbs for drying or freezing in a bit of oil, digging up and potting plants, trimming, mowing, weed-eating. She has never done any garden work, has trouble even walking and bending and is quite unstable off of a smooth hard surface. Maybe pulling basil leaves off. Today the Chief's play so she will be watching the game, I'll have the game on inside but will be mostly working outside. We have a new couple moving in later in the month on the other side of her, it would be nice if she also gets along with them.  

Boy oh boy! I feel for you. I agree that you should just keep on working (telling her you don't mean to be rude) as you have to get these things done before the frost. Just keep at it and let her ramble on. I hope the new neighbors are as nice to her as you are. You are a good neighbor. 

Go visit her, for a few minutes, then tell her you must get home as you have got a lot of work you need to her done and you just can't visit any longer. 

Treat her the same way you would your mom. Let her sit there and talk , you go about your business or give her something to do maybe with food the basil thing or writing down a certain recipe for you, but I say let her hang out. Think of her as a special person ( and she is) and all the good you are giving her. After all isn't that what we should be doing for a neighbor and if you trust her in your house you can even go outside for a bit or take her outside. Good luck I wish you all the best she won't be around too much longer or maybe she will be LOL. But love you for being so kind. Don't. Have to stop your work for her just let her hang with you. 

Wow! Lots of useful feedback for your dilemma WFN. I don't have anything to add over the input of others but I would definitely go down the chair / pitch in approach. You are already a busy busy lady and neighbours help each other, right? 

I'll. Have to figure out a way to keep working on things. It's hard because of skin cancer issues she has to stay out of the sun. Maybe get my dining room set up a bit more so I can work at the table there. With re-doing it's shoved around and not conducive for sitting. I'm slowly stripping it's layers and layers of wallpaper.  

Hi, she may have dementia if she is wants to stay inappropriate amounts of time with you similiar to a seven year old child. You may want to ask her if she has family and try to get her to contact them to see if she has any other support systems. If she does not you may need to talk to her about registering for community home support, in Canada we have Community Care which offers Meals on Wheels, friendly visitors or daily phone call check ins, day programs ect. If she has dementia and its progressing( alzheimers) you may want to assist her to call her doctor to ensure she is planning ahead for her care. 

LOL! I have to agree with your neighbor. Senior centers are full of old people! I'm so fortunate. I have so many good friends, most of them a lot younger than I am, who actually MAKE me get out of the house to travel with them. I have events, modern and medieval, almost every weekend and enough projects to keep me busy for the next 300 years, if I live that long. I tend to play hermit, if allowed, and hope My friends and family still want me around 15 years from now when I'm your neighbor's age. :-) 

WFN - I feel your dilemma. Unfortunately I have been on both sides of this issue. When I was a young mother I hung out at a (slightly) older neighbor's house. I thought of her as a mentor and I know now I made a pest of myself. She handled things with me gracefully. Over the years I've had a few neighbors/friends who have done the same with me. They remind me of myself - or how I know I could be - and I try to accommodate them as much as I can and set boundaries when necessary. One thing I've used is the "Watch me work" idea. I was raising 6 boys and rarely had an hour to sit and chat, so I would invite her (whoever it was at the time) over to watch me work for an hour...I made a point of telling her I would be working and I only had an hour. I tried to schedule things I could do while talking to her during that hour and then when the hour was up I'd tell her "Well, this has been fun, but my chatting hour is up. I need to get some work done that I cant' do while I'm talking (vacuuming/mowing/whatever) Let's do this again next week." Sometimes it was a little awkward, but when the ladies remembered it was me that invited them to talk for an hour and I made plans to do it again soon, they seemed to respect my boundary.