Snowwhite100's Journal, 18 May 23

🥹So sorry you have to live this way. 🙏💕 

You have earned your place in Heaven Snowwhite. It's good that you're getting out and doing some exercises, especially with a group, so there's the opportunity for a little socializing too. 💚💛💜 

Love is in nature and in you. I hope you find small ways to love yourself.  

Have a little compassion and value for yourself as you do those things that will help you towards your goal of moving and socializing. Prayers heading your way. 

🤗💜🤗 

Don't let someone else steal your sunshine. Don't let someone's attitude control your happiness. It took me years to learn that. I still have to remind myself every now and then. You sound like a very caring person. You are worthy and loved.  

Keep praying to The Lord for your situation and try to be kind to yourself, you are worthy!💜💜🙏🙏 

❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏 

Wondering if family is aware of your situation? God doesn’t expect you to stay in unsafe conditions. Nothing will change unless you change it. What you describe is no way to live out your later years. ✌️🙏 

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Im so sorry you’re struggling with all that. Sending hugs. 💕 

Wow!!! Wow!!! Wow!!! Your one strong lady snowwhite100 way better than me because I sure wouldn't be able to do that without the Lord's help. My prayers are always with you. Hugs!!! 

Thank you all for your support! I really appreciate it. 66Pack, Actually it is God protecting me. I can't expect you or others to understand what it's like living with a true Narcissist. He is totally charming to everyone else but totally controlling to me. Abused people stay in a relationship for many reasons. Mine are dedication, misguided or not, religious conviction, the disability of the Narcissist, my disability, finances (I get $500. a month Social Security), and several forms or types of fear. If you'd be interested in a recap of some of the issues, I did one on January 1, 2023, if you look back. I have one nephew that is 64 years old, works 7 days a week, and has already had 2 heart attacks. He does not call even once every 5 or 10 years. Both of our children have died, and my and my husband's sisters have died. He is 87, I will be turning 82. If I moved and abandoned him I would have to go no contact and never see him again. How would I get 52 years of stuff from this house without him killing me and committing suicide? That is what I believe he would do. Would it be better to live in our car? Yes, I know there are shelters, but what about when that runs out? Renting someone's garage here is $1,500. a month. He took all our money. Half of his retirement would not suffice for an apartment and eating. I wrote to both nephews and their wives 2 years ago and they never responded. Either they don't believe me or don't want to know. One isn't speaking to me. I'm writing this in the comments section because a few people don't like me complaining. This was my outlet to vent but I hesitate to do that anymore. I am getting more and more depressed. I'm grateful to have a dry roof over my head and food to eat. I'm still sleeping on the couch since August when he locked me out of the house and bedroom. Of course, nothing will change unless I change them. The changes I want to make are to not ever verbally defend myself, to not explain to him, not to engage him in conversation more than necessary but just be cordial, and not personalize verbal abuse, which I'm sure not perfect doing. I did all those things for 59 years of our marriage. It's only been the last 2 years that I've learned about Narcissism from Dr. Ramani on Youtube. It still hurts, stupid me. Actually, you could say he is mentally ill. I've been called that for staying. If you had a disabled child would you abandon them? Would I be safe living in our car? I was born with fractures in L5 vertebrae and now have 3 bulging disks. I also have 3 leaking valves in my heart. Sorry to say all this. You see why it seems better for the lovely FS family to not even talk about it? More and more I just want to die. He is not ready for a "home" and wouldn't stay in one. He just passed a psychological test with flying colors and does not admit to anger or any other mental problem.  

Oh gods, this is... truly horrific. Girl, idk if you knew this, but stress releases a hormone called cortisol, and cortisol has been linked to weight gain. It could be that all the stress your hubby is putting you through is seriously adding pounds to you. What you need to do is put your foot down. Tell him that he NEEDS to get psychiatric treatment or y'all will be having separate bedrooms. In the latter circumstance, you'll at least have a safe space to escape him if he does start swinging. Every time he starts swinging, call the police. I know, it's harsh, but it needs to be reported. This way, you now have documented evidence with which to get a divorce and proper compensation for his breaking of your wedding vows. Living with abuse is no way to live. As someone who's been abused... I can safely say it's one of those fates worse than death. It's gonna screw with you mentally for a very long time, and nobody deserves that. I wish you safety and protection, and brighter days in the future. 🫂 

Honey I understand, supported! 💗 Hope everything gets better, and have a blessed day :D 

Thank you again for your support. Buenitabishop: thank you for your prayers and I'm not doing it without the Lord's support nor would I be able to. Cyrus Mourningstar: probably you didn't read the other comment because I left a long one and mentioned I was still sleeping on the couch since August when he locked me out of the house and the bedroom. There is no way I can safely demand that he do anything. Narcissism, like Borderline Personality Disorder, is not very treatable because they don't believe they have a problem. They believe they know better than anyone else. We did go to counseling but he would not listen or accept anything they said. I don't want a divorce. He took all our money and is sharp enough to hide it. There is not enough money for "proper compensation" for us to live separately. I cannot safely "put my foot down" as you call it. Sorry, but I appreciate your concern. Joe Not Exotic: I'm so sorry I offended you with the reference to a disabled child. I should have said a disabled family member. There are so many types of disability. I took care of my mother when she was dying of cancer. Our son had brain damage when he was hit by a drunk driver and then died. Our daughter just died after 6 years of breast cancer that had already spread to her bones and eventually to her liver. Now that I'm learning about true Narcissism I do not expect him or my circumstances to change, that's a given. We don't have the money for an assisted living place for me and I wouldn't want one. I have 30 raised beds to grow vegetables and about 70 rose bushes all in bloom. My purple Chinese wisteria and my Japanese white Longisama wisteria were gorgeous this year. We've lived here for 52 years and I've accumulated too much. I'm trying to reduce my wardrobe but I wear from sizes 2 to 12 as my weight goes up and down, and sewing is my hobby. I made all my own drapes and upholstered furniture. Assisted living sounds horrible and I would go on a hunger strike. Who would take care of my disabled husband? And how would we pay them? Impossible. Thank you for your support, respect, and good wishes. I appreciate it. I don't expect God to give me a medal, I just expect to live with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ my Savior, and the Holy Spirit in love and acceptance for all eternity. That thrills me. If all of this offends too many members I can take it down.  

BottomFeedr: Wow, what a positive and compassionate response (along with many others). Since our daughter recently died I was planning at Christmas to go to a grief group but then other things came up. I hadn't thought about it being for sad circumstances. After my husband hit me I called a shelter to learn more about them plus ask if I could join their support group but they didn't answer the phone. Next, I call a Jewish one and went in for a 3-hour intake session to join a Zoom abuse group. They also have a senior group there with 5 mornings a week senior exercises, and a nice lunch for only $3.00. I love that group (about 12 nice people) but have only been to the exercise and lunch about 4 times. It's kind of a long drive, and I have to take a Covid test every day I go, and it starts too early. Only a half mile from me there is a senior chair exercise group 3 days a week with about 30 to 35 people. I drive my husband to the local gym, I go to the chair group, then go back and pick him up. But this week he had 4 Dr. appointments and I went to the Chiropractor today. They haven't let me join the Zoom abuse group yet but they want to give me 10 sessions with their social worker when they clean up from their flood. The camera on my computer is broken. I believe I will slowly get more involved at the Senior group 1/2 mile from me. Because of my back, I have trouble keeping house (no help) but I manage well enough to be satisfied for me, but not my husband. I am in Los Angeles and use Papa Bentley CBD/THC ointment on my back when I go to bed but it's $90. a jar. I went out to lunch today after the Chiropractor and I may drop by the "close" Senior center when I go grocery shopping. The gal there volunteers all day most days because she doesn't want to go home to her husband and Schizophrenic son. She told me last week everyone who goes there has some kind of problem, and there's a gal coming in that wants prayer because she has a brain tumor and is going blind. I want to meet her and pray with and for her. Actually, I think I do very well for my hard circumstances but this was a particularly hard week with my husband's anger plus I tweaked my back a week ago last Wednesday getting in the car and have been in more pain. I think I haven't even started mourning for our daughter yet. I can't believe she's gone. I am committed to staying, but I realize I might get so mad or frightened (or hurt) that I might leave at least for a couple of days. But I don't want to leave for longer because he throws my things in the trash. Please pray for his salvation. I know it's remote that he will accept but we are taught to pray. Thank you so much for caring and for the kind suggestions. Just think... I get to spend all eternity in Heaven. Wow! And thanks again to all the others for your prayers and support. I'm better now being out for a while. Time to go cook dinner.  

Oh bless you 

God bless you.  

Man, sounds like he really has a grip on... everything. I don't really believe in God anymore (used to but trauma happened), but I do pray you're protected from further harm. And I hope he'll decide to change, as much of a stretch as I know that is, before he's on his deathbed. I believe you when you say this isn't the man you fell in love with and married; maybe there's something physically wrong causing him to act out, and if that's the case, I hope it's treatable... but I'm no doctor. Just another human looking out for my fellow humans. 🫂 

Sending you lots of love and hugs Snow🙏🏽💗🙏🏽💗🙏🏽