MaisieP's Journal, 08 Mar 17

I knew I had put on weight. That was pretty obvious from the way I had started buying massive loose tops to cover up the fact that my size 14 jeans were now too small, too tight and too washed out to go uncovered. I was determined not to go to size 16, something I have never resorted to before. I avoid going to any function that requires dressing up and frocks are a complete no-no. Even those wrapover ones which are supposed to make you look elegant and slender make me look like a sack of badly packed potatoes. Loose dresses hang virtually unworn in my wardrobe because my bottom and hips and my muffin waist can't hide beneath them, no matter how loose they are.

Last week I bought a size 14 top (the top bit of me is fine. Ish) to cover myself up to go out with some friends. My "good" trousers were impossibly tight revealing just how fat my thighs and knees had become and as I stood in front of the mirror my heart sank and I wanted to call my friend and lie that I wasn't feeling well so wouldn't be joining her for dinner.

Instead I persuaded myself that enough is enough and to stop kidding myself that I was OK, that everyone who says "What you talking about? You aren't FAT!" as if being "FAT" was some kind of status different from being "PLUMP" or "PODGY" and was on the same level as "pleasantly rounded" and "appropriate for a lady your age". I realised, in a cold-light-of-day way, that it was not OK to accept the platitudes of people who said "If you were thin, you'd probably have broken your hip when you fell that time" as if being fat was a justification for tripping, severely bruising myself but not breaking any bones.

I went out that evening, struggled with the tight pants that kept moving down my bottom because my arse was so fat it kept pushing them downwards, and I kept pulling my top out of the folds of fat when I sat down, and I tried very hard to laugh with them when my friends would say "Oh, you do look funny when you twist and turn and pull up your trousers - just like a kid on a skateboard".

Then I came home, went to bed and the next morning I did a total clear out of from my thinking of everything that I had let myself believe meant it was OK to eat whatever I like and not to worry about how I look (to myself - I don't care what other people think I look like); and that it was NOT OK to ignore the facts that those jeans were now painful to wear and that I was hiding inside big loose tops to cover up what is underneath.

I know what I should be eating. I've spent decades eating what I should eat. This decline in my lifetime healthy-ish eating hasn't been rapid and I should know and do better. I deserve better than what I am now experiencing as a consequence of eating whatever I want.

Now I appreciate some people in this world can eat whatever they want. I know that some people have very active lives and burn off what their bodies don't need and a bit more, so that they never get FAT. I know that FATTISM is the equivalent of a Political Correctness Crime. However, I am FAT. I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate hiding under big clothes. I hate looking at photos less than 5 years old and thinking I have every reason to be ashamed because I have let myself go. I hate even more that photographs of me when I was younger show a slender size 10 (max small size 12) looking confident, wearing her clothes with confidence.

Forget ageing. Forget the wrinkles. Forget the hiccoughs that have meant I have to slow down (fractured ankles). I simply want to be confident again.

I want some more of that please. That is what brings me back and that's what my goal is.

PS You don't get a photo. That would be a step too far.

---

745 kcal

Fat: 17.22g | Prot: 60.89g | Carbs: 85.49g.   Breakfast: Grapefruit (Pink and Red), Tesco Skimmed Milk. Lunch: Tesco Cooked Ham, Ryvita Wholegrain Crackerbread, Ainsley Harriott Szechuan Hot & Sour Cup Soup. Dinner: Courgette, Cauliflower, Green Giant Asparagus, Tesco Unsmoked Back Bacon Rashers, Chicken Breast. Snacks/Other: Activia Natural Yogurt, Blueberries. more...