Snowwhite100's Journal, 02 Jan 24

My prayers are going up for you now. For starters you or anyone doesn't deserve to be anyone's punching bag. That's not right. Living in fear is not right, not ever. That's not what marriage or love is about. I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. Take one step at a time, one day at a time. Keep planning clean eating, enjoy the simple pleasures in life and never stop enjoying the things you enjoy most. Cheering you on and praying for you. Remember the mustard seed. God always has you.  

SnowWhite have a couple questions for you does your local area have an extension Center? In our area we have one, it is part of the health department and is considered a social development; it's free to the public and has a lot of variety of public Access programs as well as fun activities that are available to both community members and seniors. Not only do I think you'll find the activities very fun and engaging it will allow you to have a lot more friends this one may alleviate some of your loneliness and give you a bit more protection by having a larger social network. another benefit is like I said the program is provided free of charge also in our area the local bus Center typically provides transportation and our area has a reduced plan for seniors I'm not sure if your area would as well. To find out more I would call your local health department and they should be able to give you more information but I know that our sister State Tennessee also is similar programs so I suspect that your state may also. Also check out your local library for similar programs that are free and activities which would allow you a lot more fun things to do I know that our local library has similar issues that a lot of people just don't realize the wonderful amount of free programs that are provided for a variety of ages from cooking crocheting even clubs such as anime and book clubs and they're all free not to mention the normal things such as checking out books and movies and such. You can even borrow consoles these days from libraries if you're into games... I'm not an aegis I used to play an online game with a gentleman who is in his late 70s early '80s and he was one of the better gamers I've ever played with. 😁 I also have to be creative with my income so I understand not always being able to go to some of the fancier places but there are a lot of really fun things that you can do on a budget. I'm not sure if you're interested in the why but the YMCA here also has a discount program for seniors which would allow you a lot more activities and exercise programs on a budget as well just some ideas that you might not have considered. 

Snowy im always glad when you update. I worry for you and your safety. You are a kind woman who deserves peace in this chapter of your life.  

Leah, i have got to say this to you. Your compassion and kindness always astound me. You are a special special girl. And the information you have is amazing. Those are some really fantastic resources for budget conscious folks. My mom had social security of around $700 a month and if she didnt have myself to provide housing and transportation and utilities she would have been homeless. It’s a shame what happens to the aging population in America. We send so much money overseas when we need to fix financial issues here at home. I digress. God bless you honey. You are a beautiful human. 

Hi SnowWhite You deserve the world and all its happiness 💛💛✨✨☀️☀️☀️🌈🌈 I think the dessert and the massage are so deserved . Sounds like a fun group of gals . It’s great to be around good company :) 

I am sorry to say this, but I am going to as the survivor of spousal abuse... GET OUT to someplace safe. you don't have to divorce him, but you don't deserve to be abused. Not physically, emotionally or verbally. It is about your survival! 

Happy New Year Snowwhite100  

Hope God blessed you with a better year!🙏🙏 

God Bless you. I am with Cawildflowr on this. She is so right...but if you cannot then at least have a plan. Have a plan. A bedroom door with a inside lock on it AND A phone!!!! 🤦‍♀️🙏 

Good for you for getting yourself a little massage present and for deciding to go out to lunch with the girls this year! You definitely DO deserve some enjoyment in your life, and I’m glad you are willing to take action to see that you get it! Glad your husband hasn’t hit you recently, but you still suffer abuse from him every day, even if it is not always physical. Praying you’ll have a better year as far as the sciatica is concerned. The Lord knows you need some breaks in your life! Good job on losing the 1/2 pound already. Mine is also starting to come back down slowly, but at least it’s moving in the right direction again. Love you, sis! 

Your husband is an abusive asshole and you are in your 80's. Eat the dessert.  

Thanks DP for being you. I know there’s nothing funny about the situation but that’s the first comment I read and you’re absolutely right and it made me laugh so hard you’re absolutely right snow white you need to listen to DP she knows where it’s at. Happy new year to you, Snow White, and I hope things get better for you. Stay safe.🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️🎄🎄 

Snow, I hate to think I would ever be in your situation, but if I was, I'd definitely have dessert & that glass of wine. You deserve some positivity & happiness in your life. And yeah.....I'd have a glass of wine with dinner, too.  

Princess said it perfectly. I agree. 

Glad to read an update from you. It's always a relief to see that you are okay. It sounds like you are going to make some positive changes and I'm so glad. Self care is bound to make your life happier, and getting out of the house more with like minded ladies should definately help you. Hugs! Rhonda 

Thank you Yearofhealth, but my goal was truly just to let SnowWhite know and connect her to some of these programs. A lot of states have really nice grants and things to help access these programs for both lower earners as well as seniors, but many people in those income groups just don't know anything about the programs. And with scammers these days you have to be so very careful about anything that sounds too good to be true. Particularly seniors have to be careful because it seems like scammers target the elderly especially during the holiday times which is so very unfortunate that they would pick on individuals who need their money the most and have the least amount of ability to earn it. I just try to help those people that I know and those that I can to find deals and opportunities where they're at at the time that they are available. Since I can't do a lot of environmental changes to make a big difference I'd like to think that rehoming any clothing or toys or things of that nature that are still in good repair to another family it's our families form of recycling and being helpful towards the environment. As well as doing normal things such as cutting down on food waste and turning off lights and not wasting water when possible. I just hope that Snow's offers similar programs (I'm pretty sure they do but not all states do to the same level of one another 🤷). also another special programs only available to seniors in our area but I've never looked into those since I'm not a senior nor do I care for anyone of the age that would qualify so don't really have any information to give about those... but all the other programs I know are open to everyone and I've seen the senior programs advertised. The library in most states is a lifesaver for the poor, you can borrow books rent movies and participate in a variety of free art and social activities many of which have free snacks. our library even offers a variety of programs that are just for teens so there's a lot of cool targeted programs at a lot of libraries that are free as well so they're great for families. But a lot of people just think of libraries as a place that you can get "books" I don't think of it as a social network full of community programs that you can access for free; including computer time, job training, in the summer they offer free meals to children for both breakfast and lunch at many locations. we have a raised beds program that every year you can sign up for where they come and help you set up raised beds at your house if you have a disability or some other issue preventing you from being able to visit the library such as a profound sensory disorder or immune compromisation (if you have it set up correctly) or teach you how to make the raised beds on the library site and then you transport them to your house but for a small cost you get the training to make the raised beds, the materials to make the raised bed for the plants, the dirt, and as I said if you are in some way disabled they'll come to your house and build them for you as part of the program. this is all funded as a grant through the state to increase the amount of food grown in homes and to increase the fresh food eaten by the lower income populous but it's accessible by all members of the community. As I said most of the programs are completely free some of them have a small fee for materials. I can't say enough positive about your local public library it's wonderful resource that should definitely be supported. 

Leah i stand by what i said. You are a precious beautiful human. Fantastic information and resource ideas. 

Snow, you can call 211 (the information and referral number) to get more information on the things Leah is telling you about. They can also tell you about any other local programs for the elderly. 

Sending prayers, hugs and lots of love your way!  

I want to thank you all for your support, love, prayers, and suggestions. It's hard for me to write anything or even face my problems. So I profoundly apologize for taking so long to respond. I am ashamed of myself for not telling you how much I value you all. I have read and reread your responses and they have encouraged and comforted me. I live overwhelmed, emotionally and physically. I will respond to a couple of issues spoken of here, then leave here and journal currently to address what I am doing presently. CMOON92 I think we all agree it's not right and no one deserves to be someone's punching bag. I in no way believe I have deserved this. Of course, I am not perfect and in the long years of our marriage had times of moodiness, or negativity but believe I have been at least, better than average at knocking myself out and trying very hard to be a good wife. Actually probably to the point of being a carpet although that's not good either. I was raised in an era where marriage was given a very high priority. Also, I was always a sensitive person so was somewhat co-dependent. I agree with you that living in fear is not right, and I would never advise anyone else to follow my course of action or in fact, I would not advise them at all. Although my husband was emotionally abusive for 60 years, it's only been the last 3 years that I have been fearful. Of course, as you say fear of your spouse is not what marriage or love is about. And now that I have lost those things, I'm grieving that my marriage is an empty shell, in addition to grieving for the recent loss of our daughter. Now it is just raw commitment for me, like if you had a child with a disability or a spouse with dementia or a fatal disease. I don't “want” to leave. There is nowhere I want to go, except to Heaven. After all these years, I can't change enough to abandon him. Actually, there are a lot of people that we don't know, putting up with all kinds of terrible things. I'm not unusual. I can only hope he doesn't damage me enough that I "have" to leave, because then I would be in even more danger, and would have to go “no contact” and never see him again. He is so vindictive and continually losing impulse control, I believe he would hide any money we have, maybe burn down the house, kill me, and commit suicide. Thank you for your prayers and cheering me on. Leah_guffey I can't thank you enough for all your support and suggestions. I have so much to say I will address issues in my next journal. davidsprincess I agree with you. cawildflowr My precious dear one, thank you so much for caring. How do I tell you I'm not going to survive? These people here are supporting me in my death struggle. It's too long to repeat all the horrendous logistical reasons I don't want to leave even if I didn't care about my husband, which I do. But, briefly, I'm too old and weak to have the fortitude, and too materialistic to want to give up everything I have ever worked for, owned, and enjoyed. I would have to leave with the shirt on my back. I don't even know if I have more respect for myself for trying to finish my life with honor. Or maybe less respect for myself for not wanting to leave with nothing. I'm sentimental about my clothes, personal possessions, and 70 years of gifts and momentos, for instance. Oh, you can say I could get half of anything we have but most people can't believe or accept how far a serious NPD person will go to make sure their victim gets nothing. Most victims will want to leave to save their life. I don't. My only motivation would be if I knew I would suffer more physical pain than I could handle. The threat of it isn't enough so far. I guess I'd have to believe it was surely coming. I'm sorry. You can throw your hands up in disgust at who I am and what I am. I'm just trying to be honest. I'm spent. There isn't anymore left of me tonight.