Snowwhite100's Journal, 16 Sep 23

My dieting is going better now but is still slow. In the last 5 months, I have had wine 5 times and averaged having (a sugar) dessert once every 10 days. Bread products continue to be a constant problem and I have averaged partaking once every 5 days. I continue Intermittent Fasting daily from 16 to 20 hours a day. As almost all of you know, it's tough. I have about 9 pounds to go to get back where I was last November when our daughter died of cancer. I love my FS friends here and I want to make contact. Your support and prayers have been life-giving. My life is lonely but I do not participate in any other social media. My intention when I joined FS about 5 years ago was for health and to try Keto and Intermittent Fasting. I had scared myself twice while driving and was worried about my memory. My life is complicated and I would never advise others to try to do what I am doing: live with an abusive husband. But so far, I “want” to do it. There are many reasons but often when I write about it to get some off my chest, some people, not knowing my circumstances insist I leave. If I tell you what's happening to release some of my pent-up emotions I seem to get on a roll and can't quit writing. It's hard for me to endure the comments (some private messages) that I write too much, that I'm mentally ill, that I'm focused on possessions, and all the forms of my stupidity for staying. The mental abuse is the same: almost daily angry at me. The physical abuse has gotten worse so I believe he is escalating and more dangerous. But I also believe it would be worse to leave. The worst of it was only one incident four weeks ago and while he absolutely physically abused and humiliated me I am okay. Few know about or understand how varied the symptoms of true Narcissism are, so if you either happen to be in an abusive situation or want to know more, Dr. Ramani on YouTube is the finest expert. The last video of hers that I watched was “Scary personality traits that make narcissists EXTREMELY dangerous.” I can't relate to what happened without going over why I want to stay. To save space I won't give the comments or questions that these reasons of mine target.

The altruistic reasons I want to stay are meaningless to some. My neighbor and some others say he doesn't matter. But he matters to me and he matters to God. My husband was the love of my life, I still love him, he needs me, and I've wanted to finish my course with honor. I promised “for better or worse” and being almost (next month) 82 years old I was raised in a culture of non-divorce and “stand by your man”. I don't readily hear from God but since I want my husband's best I assume my “want to” is the Lord's will. And I am going on the premise that it will have to be the Lord to tell me if I need to leave. I try not to think about the possibility that in my humanness I may get so upset or hurt that I might run. The Lord has held me so far, so I am hoping I can stay close enough to Him to know what is best to do. As of four weeks ago I am moving closer to allowing for the possibility that I might not be able to handle what's coming. But as of a week ago I know I still don't want to leave and “just for today” I don't need to know what tomorrow will bring. I can only throw myself on the mercy of the Lord. Here I have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. I believe I am safer here than leaving. What would it look like if I left? If a victim of someone with serious Narcissist Personality Disorder leaves, it is 75% more dangerous than staying. They are usually great people with everyone else in their life (as is my husband) but want complete control over their victim. If the victim leaves, the perpetrator has nothing more to lose. I realize now that if I ever left him, it would never again be safe to be with him alone. Think O.J. Simpson. He has threatened to shoot me, to cut off my legs, and many other things, and 4 weeks ago he said we may kill each other. He already is speaking of suicide, his brother did it. Two years ago he wrote goodbye notes to me, his nephew, and our daughter and took money out of the bank for her. This year in May and June he was again speaking of suicide. In July he said he would smash my face in and break all my teeth. A week ago he said, referring to the physical abuse he did 4 weeks ago, he may do it again plus worse. My only alternative would be to go “no contact” for the rest of my life. To move away entirely, to disappear. I couldn't stay in our home or in our little cabin. I think he would come to kill me and commit suicide. Yes, there are shelters, but for how long? Then what? Here are some facts. I mentioned I am almost 82. I have a very bad back, being born with fractures in L5 vertebrae and 3 bulging disks. I have sciatica from my back part of the time. When I cook or clean for more than about a half hour or so I have to go sit or lay down for a while. Last year he closed our savings account and opened new ones in only his name. I can't touch them. He even took my Social Security savings. He suggested he may give it to the poor, and in case he files for divorce (which he has threatened) I'm sure he would hide it and I would never get a penny of it. I make $530.00 a month for Social Security. Last year when he wanted me to leave it was $470.00. He gets $200.00 a month in Social Security so that wouldn't help. He took a lower pension 25 years ago so “the surviving spouse” would get a pension if he dies. I do not want to “trigger” him to get a divorce. He is very vindictive! If he gets triggered or “shaken up” I believe he is capable of anything, like burning the house down. On $530. a month I'd have to live in my car. At 82 years old? That's not very safe. What about my bad back? I have no relatives to go to. Those people who tell me to leave may not realize my age and assume I have a job. If someone was nice enough to let me sleep on their couch, for how long would that work? Would you want me on your couch for years? Would you pay for my food, doctors, and medicine? My heart has 3 leaky valves and an electrical problem. What about my clothes and possessions? Plus I would be miserable worrying about my husband. When he drives he goes through stop signs and red lights. It would be devastating to my husband's physical health if I left, and he would probably die quickly. He has a myriad of physical problems. He has heart failure, COPD, and cancer that has already spread to his lymph although it seems in remission. He wears a CPAP and oxygen at night plus some during the day. Many ask about a “home” for him. They don't put you in a “home” for being mean. Plus we do not qualify for Medicaid because of our little cabin and small savings. No, I don't want to leave my comfortable home of 52 years even though I've slept on the couch for a year since he locked me out of the house and the bedroom. I'm grateful to have a warm place to sleep and food to eat. Thank you, Lord. If you can hold onto all that maybe tomorrow I can tell you what he did. Does it matter?

57.8 kg Lost so far: 0 kg.    Still to go: 4.4 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.