Snowwhite100's Journal, 08 Aug 23

Today is the anniversary of our son's death, so of course I'm thinking of the circumstances. He was a passenger in a small Toyota pickup truck with his best friend driving and his friend's 15-year-old girlfriend in the middle. They had just dropped off our son's 16-year-old girlfriend. It must have been crowded sitting in that small truck but the guys probably liked that. They were on a street just 2 blocks below ours, but over near the golf course. The drunk driver came out of the bar at the golf course from celebrating his 31st Birthday. He had already received 3 DUIs. Fortunately, he was alone because he went on the wrong side of the road and hit the 3 kids head-on and was dead at the scene. Our son's best friend is now a paraplegic, his 15-year-old girlfriend used a walker for 6 months but recovered. Our son didn't have a seat belt on and I'm guessing he flew up and hit the metal at the top of the windshield because he had a bad wound across his forehead. I met a policeman later that told me he was at the scene and that he cried about the accident when he got home. Another of our son's friends that went to the scene and came to our house in the middle of the night to tell us about the accident has since committed suicide. He told others that our son asked “What's wrong with my body”. His neck must have snapped back because he had brain stem damage so was probably paralyzed pretty quickly. It comforts me to think probably he didn't have pain. I've read Joni Erickson Tada's book about her swimming accident and she said after she dove in water shallower than she knew, she didn't have pain, she just couldn't move her body and her friends had to rush in and save her. Her life story is very inspirational. She has a little movement of her shoulder area and paints with a brush in her mouth. Being in a wheelchair all her life has been very, very hard. She has a big ministry to the disabled out in the Calabasas area that 2 of my friends worked at. Her many books about her life and struggles are well known. A doctor told me that day that worse things could happen to our son than death. My husband wouldn't even go to the hospital with me to find our son. I went alone to our close local hospital and saw the guys sitting outside with the rescue squad and asked them if they had been to the scene in our neighborhood and when they said yes I pumped them for as much information as I could. I learned that our son had been airlifted to another hospital further away and that he was unconscious and his eyes were fixed and dilated. I called my husband at home at that point and asked him please to go with me to the second hospital. He refused. I got a little lost going to the other town to find the hospital but I clearly remember my panic driving there alone and assuming our son had brain damage. It felt like Jesus was sitting in the passenger seat of my car so I wouldn't be alone. I have never felt His presence greater. But He is still sustaining me or I couldn't live the roller coaster life I live. I think my husband is slowly getting worse. He hasn't hit me again since I wrote about the last time on 7/3 but he is angry almost every day over something. I must still be in denial about our daughter's death because I just can't believe she's gone. Whenever I call our son-in-law in Arizona her voice is still on the answer phone. I don't know if I'm grieving more for her or for my marriage. My brain feels like mush but I think I am changing very slowly. I'm not quite as defensive to my husband's abuse. I think I only got angry at him and snapped at him only once this last week. Maybe I averaging once or twice a week. Or maybe I'm just being optimistic. I'm so tired emotionally I am caring less about many things. And that's probably good. It may be a little protection to me later. After 62 years of marriage and knocking myself out trying my best my priorities may be changing slightly. I've been one with stunted growth, especially emotionally. Change is probably a good thing. I don't know. I think in grief we just get worn down. If that makes me less sensitive, I'm just flowing with it. I'm not crying, I'm just trying to cope each day. So much doesn't get done. There's just not enough left of me to go around. I find myself not caring about things so passionately. I say I'm not crying but I "feel like" I have been, and that I'm tired out from crying so much. Maybe I just cried inside.

59.6 kg Lost so far: 0 kg.    Still to go: 6.3 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.