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It's been two months since our daughter died. It seems like two weeks. It brought back about our son being killed by a drunk driver when he was 21, but most of me can't even believe she is gone. I've binged and gained about 9 lbs even though I've mostly kept up intermittent fasting. It's not very important except for health, so since New Year's day is such a big day of new beginnings I'm trying again to cut out all sweets. Several times in that two months I've made starts but only kept it up a couple of days or so. The five months before she died I only had 1 dessert and 1 glass of wine, severely restricted high carbs, and lost 20 lbs. I am not in the place mentally to be gung-ho about anything so am not doing anything about high carbs at the moment and haven't decided about wine yet. I really need to be kind to myself at this time. Having a bite of sweets does not work for me and never did. If I have a little I want three desserts. I had See's chocolate candy for the first time in two years, this week at my friend's who had 3 lbs sitting there on the couch next to me and had coupons for 2 lbs more. I ate about 15 pieces. Two years ago I finished off 1 lb of it in about a day and a half. Sweets negatively affect our brains, being the leading cause of promoting dementia. I thank you all for your wonderful support of me. There have been several questions for me in my comments section and private messages. I suspect I am doing very well most of the time, under my circumstances, but must admit to living on an emotional roller-coaster some of the time, vacillating between being numb and hurting emotionally and physically. My painful leg and hip from Sciatica from my bad back have been a continuous problem this time for 6 months now, so I don't even think it will be getting better. My house is messy and I haven't finished my taxes. My husband threw papers away I needed. My husband let me cry on his shoulder as I did after our son died and I don't think grief separated us any. It is very quiet here when he isn't mad at me, as I don't fawn over him like I use to: sitting on his lap, stroking his face and trying to cajole him, explaining things to him, and working hard at pleasing him. We don't talk much, but I'm trying to be kind. It reminds me of what happens when you have teenagers and they become so obnoxious you don't mind so much when they move away. Maybe one reason God is allowing me to experience the things in my life is to be able to let my husband go emotionally. Also, I need to learn to control myself better. My husband would prefer a minimalist household.To even talk about how I am, I have the need to recap the last nearly two years. If you aren't interested in unpleasant details stop reading now. I am almost totally involved in grieving and the problems in my marriage. Even though my husband was abusive most of our marriage I took it very hard when my sister died and my nephew and daughter were mad at me during the time of disposing of my sister's household, that my husband threw me around for simply trying to walk away from him, and I said I was finally afraid of him. Those things went together to be life-changing for me. Since that time I've learned a lot about narcissism and the complete control over me that my husband demands. Even now, I watch very little television but watch YouTube videos to learn and must confess: escape. He was diagnosed with Metastatic Melanoma on top of his congestive heart failure, COPD, kidney disease, plus other problems. He uses oxygen with his c-pap at night and some during the day. We all thought cancer would take him out but it has actually shrunk and is in remission. He had pneumonia twice in 2022. He has been close to death many times and after so many years (now 61) of marriage, it is too late for me to start over or make a new life for myself. He still picks weeds, drives occasionally, and just installed a new water heater by himself, but his memory loss and dizziness, etc. indicate he couldn't live alone. There's no way he's ready for some kind of “home” and we do not qualify for Medicaid anyway. I've spent a lifetime taking care of him and don't even have the ability to change now. My desire is to finish my course with honor, plus maybe 20% of impetus, I'd like to keep our home of 52 years. With my bad back, there is no way I could easily move my entire household plus 2 attics full. I stand up with great difficulty after sitting or laying down but after walking for a minute or two it loosens up so I can get around, but not walk for exercise. The broken water heater last week flooded the garage and everything in it. He was so angry there was so much in the way of him getting to the water heater cupboard he flung glass jars of different sauces off a cabinet with his arm breaking the jars onto many things on the wet cement floor covering many things with the various sauces. Later he flooded it again because he took the plug out of the emergency overflow. It hurts my back to pick up wet things so it's taken me all week and my kitchen counters, kitchen, and dining tables are covered with things I dried from the garage. I cook, do dishes and laundry, shop for groceries, do floors and light cleaning, and write out the household and cabin checks for him to sign. I go to the chiropractor and stay away as long as possible, eating lunch at In-N-Out Burger and sit in the sunshine. My house is getting worse. Occasionally he goes on a tirade and throws stuff all over. Because of the water heater going out, he turned the gas off outside. Thinking he had to relight the pilot on the furnace in the attic he turned the gas off there like we did on the water heater. Then it wouldn't work for several days until a repairman came out. My husband wanted to make room for him in the attic to work on the furnace so he threw a lot of stuff out of the attic. He denies turning the gas off at the furnace to relight the pilot (it doesn't have a pilot) so he was angry at me but I never touched the furnace. It's been quiet here for 3 days but the mess in the house from the garage will “come home to roost” soon. I am able to shower now but remember, I “should” take 2 showers a week, since I use too much water.
It's been 5 months since my husband took all our savings/checking, locked me out of the house, poured 2 quarts of water over my head and the wood floors, said “things will get a lot worse” and “he would appreciate me leaving”, then locked me out of the bedroom. He now says he did not want me to move out but that sure sounded like it to me. Maybe he has forgotten his words, but also he said he knew I wouldn't move. I seriously considered moving into my car since he seemed so badly to want me out, but he doesn't have a car so I thought I would need to remain near to take him to his many doctor appointments and get food for him. Maybe that would have worked but I got scared (in Los Angeles) and my $470. a month of Social Security wouldn't go very far. Since he already throws my “stuff” into the trash I believe if I was gone more than a night he would dispose of many things. I couldn't put him out since he can't “make it” on his own. Adult Protective Services said for me not to move out, but to call the police if he locked me out again or did something to me physically. I've changed my mind about moving, calling the police, or helping him if there is a big blow-up. I do not want any court action or a restraining order. It would take a court order to get a portion of the money back and I do not want to precipitate a big confrontation with him. Learning about narcissistic abuse escalating I now believe if one of us had to leave, it wouldn't be safe to be around him. Even our daughter told me 10 years ago if I ever called the police on him, I would pay dearly for it. If he can't “save face” after making the decision to take all the money I believe he would start a divorce which is what he told my nephews. Last year he told me he would shoot me if I brought anything other than groceries into the house. There is no money to buy him out of half of the house. Number 1, probably the court would make us sell the house to divide it, so I would lose my home. Number 2, he was talking about suicide two years ago, wrote notes to our daughter, his nephew, and me and left money for our daughter, and asked his primary physician at UCLA for a suicide pill. He was not sick or in pain at the time but just doesn't want to bother with life, especially if he can't have sex every day now at 86 years old. His brother committed suicide. If he were alone in an apartment I believe, he would kill me and commit suicide. The “most” dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves. He can't control her and he has nothing more to lose. If my husband were made to leave the house, I believe I would not be safe here. He wouldn't care about a restraining order and says he doesn't care if he goes to jail, and I believe him. I am still sleeping on the couch after 5 months mainly because he does not wear his chin strap for his C-pap so his mouth is open when asleep and he is very noisy. He doesn't get mad at me “every” day but most. A month ago, when he changed the ink cartridge on the printer while it still had ink in it, I told him I was sorry to hear he changed it since I was still using it, and it was working. He was standing behind me as I sat on the couch, and he slapped me hard on the back of my head. It still hurt after 10 minutes. That is the first actual physical incident in a year and a half, but he recently slapped the air hard back and forth repeatedly about an inch from my nose in threat of slapping me across the face. He continuously threatens me so if I can manage to stay here, protect my home which I believe he is capable of burning down, protect my safety, and be in as much peace as possible I need to do everything he asks and keep my mouth completely shut. I do blow it sometimes by answering back so I constantly tell myself to be a “gray rock”. About a month ago I would have been suicidal, but I wasn't because of the Lord in my life. My resolve to stay here was weaker because of grief. A couple of weeks ago I called Jewish Family Services even though I am not Jewish hoping to get into an abuse support group. Also, they do have a shelter in case that becomes necessary. There was a 3-hour intake conference and at the end, she said, “It sounds like you are willing to sacrifice yourself for your husband” and I said yes realizing it is true. I don't believe there is any halfway with him anymore. If I leave, it will have to be “no contact” for the rest of my life. I would even need protection to move my life's possessions from my home of 52 years, and how would I do that with my bad back? Talk about tearing up my life. I'm 81 and can barely walk. I don't want an apartment, I don't want a nursing home: there is little left for me. I hurt most of the time, so who cares that I give what little I have left to the love of my life? I pray for him and just hope I can stick with it. I was planning a small memorial for our daughter on January 7th but our son-in-law doesn't want to come, which then automatically eliminates his relatives and friends. I can't do it. I postponed it to the 21st but with Covid exploding here in Los Angeles, I don't even think it will take place. I don't even care. But I had a captive audience to tell them if they want to go to Heaven how it can be done. So I am financially dependent on him now, but he is signing the household checks and the credit card bill for groceries, etc. Thank you, Lord. I still have my $470. a month Social Security so as long as I keep my mouth shut completely and stay here I am physically comfortable and not hurting financially. I'm grateful since that's better than most of the world. He did agree to put me as the beneficiary on the accounts that are now in his name only. Contrary to the thinking of some, I will not be any happier when he is gone. He has been the love of my life, and we had many good times. The Lord is carrying me. It is mostly quiet now, and lonely. I have a picture of a cow upside down with her feet sticking straight up and the caption says “I'm fine.” I relate.
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57.6 kg
Lost so far: 0 kg.
Still to go: 4.3 kg.
Diet followed: Poorly.
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Gaining 0.4 kg a Week
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