Snowwhite100's Journal, 11 Aug 22

Today is day 111 with no desserts or wine + day 19 with no regular bread. I'm starting to lose a little faster but don't expect to lose a pound a week unless I get very depressed. Things have changed and gotten worse at my house since my last journal Aug 4th, last Thursday. I shared how my husband closed our checking and opened one in only his name. Commenters warned me so I called the Credit Union and found he had taken my name off of all the accounts. I told about it in the comment section after the journal that it was “too late”. Now he has done something else bad that shows he is escalating and will show his irrationality that will change our lives forever. If you don't like reading long “blow-by-blow” drama, don't bother reading this. Like some others, I believe the things that happen in our lives affect our eating, dieting, and health. I believe our “living together” is over after 61 years of marriage. I was so determined to take care of him “thick or thin” and finish my course with honor. With dementia, it can get bad but I didn't see this coming this fast. I am eternally grateful that it was him that started this and not me. I couldn't live with that. Yes, I stupidly told someone I thought was just a support group facilitator about him taking my name off of all our saving accounts but it was him that did the deed. I only wanted advice and resources. Now I fear for this “love of my life” and believe in the “best case scenario” he will end up in a retirement home in Arizona near our daughter, and in the worst case scenario either in jail or in a lockdown facility: drugged, tied down and going berserk where he will die. Well, he would die in jail too without close monitoring of his water levels and medication. He didn't do a BIG thing, but it is snowballing with his anger. First: that support group lady heard his anger at me while I was on the phone with her. Since she is more official than I knew, he just doesn't know the consequences. He is adamant now that I leave. He may change his mind but things are going negative so he will probably get more dangerous to me. Actually, even if he doesn't get more dangerous the authorities will think he might, and they want to protect others and be on the side of caution. He thinks the money and house are his and that I can go live somewhere else. If I'm not here to take care of him he will get angrier. I was thinking since he wants me to move, and I don't feel that way, I could move and let him live here. But he would have no car. Okay, probably he could rent or buy one. But who is going to take care of the house and him? I even saw myself coming in to cook and take him to the doctor etc. And actually, I would be willing. But apartments are expensive. I couldn't rent one in Los Angeles and live on ½ of our combined income even if I peed in the shower. Now I pee in a container and add 10 parts of water and fertilize the roses. He said I “should” take 2 showers a week because I use too much water. We have a small one-bedroom cabin in the mountains over 100 miles away, but it's a 2 to 4-hour drive depending on traffic and now gas is expensive. I can't live there in the winter because there is an underground spring that puts water and ice on our private road that isn't plowed by the county. I can't park or walk there in winter at my age and ability, and couldn't zip down to shop and cook dinner or drive him somewhere. But he doesn't need a large home. He doesn't buy groceries, cook, do laundry, dishes, dust, do toilets, etc. I'm the one that wants to cook, entertain, and grow vegetables. It's not logical for me to move all my stuff, then him not to be able to live on his own, and me to have to move everything back. More important, I don't think they will let him put me out. I'm 80 years old and have trouble walking with sciatica. He will get angrier eventually. He's gone too far in the eyes of the law but he does not understand that. Yes, I hoard clothes upstairs but not down. I hoard food downstairs for prepping for the future and emergencies. But you just can't mistreat people for that. If you don't like it, move, get a divorce. But he can't take care of himself. He says one of us will change. He says things are going to get a lot worse. Actually, I know in my heart that is true. I suppose he thinks either I or he will get rid of all my things and life can go back to him just being in control. But he locked me out and when I got in, he poured and threw 5 big glasses of water on me and our wood floors and put ice down my back. Then he said twice he wanted me out of his house. We've lived here 51 years. Now, the authorities know. They are coming by Friday. I'm slowly realizing that if I'm not living here and taking care of him, he is going to get angrier. Last year just because I tried to walk away when he was yelling at me he grabbed my clothes at my neck and threw me around. He could be very dangerous if I drive him somewhere, do laundry for him or cook. He's told me to get out of the car at 90 miles an hour. But if you think I can build a new life for myself, I don't have that ability anymore. I have deteriorated. No, I do not take good care of my house anymore. Both of his sisters had household help. One of them lived alone, the other only a husband that was a gourmet cook so did all the cooking and she did the dishes. But I will not be able to have any as long as he is here. Will they make me get rid of my clothes and food? Even if they do, he's getting more irrational. It can't go back. He can't undo what he's done. He's not going to take back his threats. Last year he said he would shoot me if I brought anything other than food into the house. The authorities want to err on the side of caution. If they tell him to leave the home he may get spicy with them. If they take him anywhere I think he will eventually fight them. I heard him say he doesn't care if he goes to jail, and said maybe he will leave his money to poor people. He actually thinks he's right and it's his responsibility to change me. He has been abusive for 55 years. I've only been collecting this stuff for about 15 years. Yes, my stuff makes him uncomfortable but isn't responsible for the abuse for the previous 40 years. He is charming. I'm sure he will be very charming to the person coming. I can't imagine what they will do or say. But I finally think he is getting more irrational. I'm sorry to be so repetitive, I'm in overdrive. He says he wants me to leave. I believe he doesn't mean it but is using it as a wedge to get me to get rid of all my extra stuff. But even if I did he wouldn't be happy with me. He doesn't like the way I think. He doesn't like the way I look. He watches porn and told me when I weighed 118 that I was fat. At 113 he said I was letting myself go. See our picture March 7, 2020, on page 7. That picture is probably 6 or 7 years old now. Now I look like I have aged 20 years. He looks very friendly, doesn't he? Now he asks why my stomach is so big. It's because I'm 80 and overweight. And if I lose weight I will get more wrinkled. I already look like I need to be ironed. I was never good enough for him. You just don't know what's in people's lives. I've written so much prolog I can't add the blow by blow I wrote. I may or may not add it later. Once the authorities come things may change drastically. I haven't been out of the house since Monday, not even into the garage or back yard when he's awake because I have no way to get back in. Last night when he was asleep I carried a few clothes to a neighbor in case he throws me out bodily. But if that happens I won't have my purse, medication, computer, telephone, or maybe even shoes. We are both going to be devastated by what's coming. If I have to move all my clothes it's going to take me time, I can barely walk. Sewing has been my hobby for 60 years. I made all our curtains and drapes plus reupholstered some of my furniture. And I mean very, very fancy curtains and drapes. In 1994 Pennys estimated them at over $26,000.00 and that did not include all the hand finishing. Not $2,600. That was not a mistake. I need and regularly wear at least part of the year sizes 2 to 12. Call me Yo-Yo. I'm in shock. Part of me is dying.

58.3 kg Lost so far: 0 kg.    Still to go: 5.0 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.