Snowwhite100's Journal, 04 Aug 22

It is my understanding a signer on a joint checking account can't be removed without their signing off on it. I would check with the credit union. If your husband is becoming mentally incapable of making rational decisions you need to take measures to protect yourself.  

you live in California and you have access to a ton of senior resources that don't require you to leave him. you need to protect yourself to be able to protect him if that's what you choose. sounds like a competency test is in order before he screws things up so badly you lose your options. call 211 and ask what services you have available to you. God takes care of those who take care of themselves. you also need to go to the bank and let them know what's going on. two signatures on every check is a good idea. so is automatic bill pay. it's up to you. 

WOW, TOO LATE. I just called the Credit Union and my name has been removed from ALL our accounts. With the checking, he simply closed the account and opened one in only his name. I signed on all the others but my name has been removed. They said there is nothing they can do. Our daughter was the beneficiary on all the accounts, not me because I was a signer on the account. All the accounts are in his name only and they can't even disclose to me or anyone else who the beneficiary is. I dare not start a war here, I believe that would be dangerous. I only tried to walk away from him last year when he grabbed my clothing and threw me around. I called our daughter and told her. She sounded unconcerned and said at least he is signing checks to keep up the household. By the way, we do not qualify for Medicaid because of a little cabin we own. I put in a call to a "Support Facilitator" at USC that has kept in contact with me for a couple of years. She has the knowledge of resources. Of course, I want to know what will happen if he dies but I do not want to start a war. Our daughter said if he dies she will give me whatever money there is. I believe her, but will there be tax consequences? I am in shock. 

From the 211 website (all you need to do is call 211 and go to senior resources). You really need to get some legal assistance as well. SERVICES FOR SENIORS 65+: Health Insurance Counseling & Advocacy Program (HICAP): Free, confidential counseling and community education for California Medicare beneficiaries. To learn more visit, HERE Or, call 1-800-434-0222. Senior Legal Hotline: Provide services, resources, advice, and other tools that will help stop a foreclosure from occurring. They can be reached at (916) 551-2145. Senior Community Service Employment Program: matches eligible older adults with part-time training assignments for non-profit organizations. Regions where grants are available Information for all applicants Assisted Living Waiver: provides services to facilitate the transition from nursing facilities to a community home-like setting in a Residential Care Facility (RCF), an Adult Care Facility (ACF), or public subsidized housing. Check your eligibility here Senior Care Action Network Health Plan (SCAN): provides services for dual-eligible Medicare/Medi-Cal population View the SCAN Services Locator 

sorry, that's all messy. just call 211 and explain what is going on. 

Congrats on 61 years!!! That's an accomplishment and even more so with what you're dealing with. Honestly I think you should do everything you can to protect yourself financially even if that means hiring an attorney. I don't think putting him in a home is any form of abandonment. Many times it's a matter of whether the person can get the care they really need. Often people do better in a facility because they can't manipulate anyone like they can their family. Often manipulation results in them not getting adequate care. I think you have to determine what is in his best interest and if you're unable to care for him adequately or not. My parents are facing that decision with my 98 year old grandmother. It's super hard to move forward with placing your loved one because it can elicit guilt, but we made a list of pros and cons and it became quite clear that everyone's health is suffering my parents and grandmother's. So, my Mom is looking for a good care home now. We really feel my Grandmother will have much better care than what my parents can give. It took alot of prayer to get to this decision. Just protect yourself and don't feel guilty. You've put up with alot and you need to take care of yourself too! Hugs. 

My husband drives and does yard work. A week ago he shoveled 1/2 a cubic "yard" into boxes (+drop cloth) in the trunk and back seat of our car, then shoveled it all out into big trash cans at home. He drove to the Credit Union. He is not ready for a "home" and would not stay. We could not afford a "home" even if he needed one, which he does not. We live in a 2 story home and he goes up and down multiple times a day. I said we do not qualify for MediCal (Medicaid). I take better care of him than any other "home" would. He's not that disabled. He dug up 2 small trees yesterday. He climbs ladders, rakes our entire yard and 3 decks at our cabin of leaves and pine needles. He may have to wear his little oxygen machine because of the high elevation but he does it. Last week when we shoveled all that soil and compost 2 people asked to help him and he refused them. Just because he can be rude, demanding, or even mean to me doesn't mean he belongs in a home. He is more physically capable than I am. He has memory loss but is not diagnosed with dementia. He feels he lives in his home. He would allow me to leave, but I don't believe that is the Lord's will. Will he put our car in his name? I don't know. If I left with the car he probably would buy one. I can barely walk in great pain. I get $500. a month Social Security. Should I go sleep in my car? Should I go live in a shelter just to avoid his verbal abuse? Would I have more peace or comfort in a shelter? One friend told me a year ago I should move into a motel if he is rude to me. I don't have the money for long. I will be 81 in two months. More importantly, have you heard of people taking care of their sick spouses? I took care of my mother when she was dying of cancer. I made marriage vows of "better or worse". I'm trying to honor my vows the best I can. Yes, my feelings are hurt that he would do that, but my feelings are hurt all the time. He has said for years that he doesn't care. Does anyone understand clinical narcissism? It is long past the time for me to make a different life for myself. I will continue to do the very best I can: to him, for him, and what seems best to me for myself. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. Thank you, Lord. I would ask a tax person if there would be any tax consequences if he dies and all our money goes to our daughter and she gives it back to me. I suppose it's futile to ask if all our money would go to the beneficiary if he dies. Of course, it would. I don't want to fight him. He's very vindictive, and he probably would become so dangerous I COULDN'T stay here. I still say I'm in shock.  

if he's taking steps to cut you out, those may not be choices you get to choose. you need to get some professional advice on the financial situation while you still have options. or maybe speak to someone at church for counsel. there are support groups for caretakers, and yes, I've been one and am working back up to that role again. all that said, your choices are your own. with respect to clinical narcissism, if you're tossing the term around, you should also understand that he is a selfish manipulator and likely takes joy from inflicting pain on you and others. it's hard to see it when you're living with it. I wish you luck. 

I'm sorry, I guess I misunderstood. For some reason I thought you were considering having him go into a home. Not sure why I got that idea. ??? I agree with Katsolo you should look into your legal rights as a spouse and try to protect yourself. Also consider that if something happens to your daughter after she inherits everything will her spouse support you? It's a valid concern as one of my brothers in law are facing this very thing. Anyway, I never want you to feel that I'm pushing you. Just want to see you do well.  

congratulations to you snowwhite100  

I'm sorry you are going through this. I too think you need legal help. Best of luck...💜🙏💜🙏💜🙏 

Snowwhite I am so sorry that you are dealing with this; especially at this age. The others have given excellent advice. Of course it is up to you to do what you prayerfully think is best. Be safe. 

“Use of undue influence to gain control of an older person's money or property” is considered a serious abuse and I am obligated to report such cases to Adult Protective Services when I witness them. You can call APS in your county and ask for protection. I know it’s disagreeable to self report, but I feel compelled to tell you that you need protection. Economic abuse often leads to violence, and violence escalates. I am very concerned for your safety. 

You may need to think about becoming his guardian or conservator.  

Lots of good advice here Snowwhite, take it. You need to move quickly to protect yourself, financially and physically. Yes, relying on God is fine, but it is God who gave you the ability to take charge of your own life. Do not delay.