Snowwhite100's Journal, 17 Feb 22

Met my 2nd goal 3 days late and am thrilled. That makes 10 lbs. in 2 months this time around in my yo-yo dieting life. I know when I reach my ultimate goal I will not be able to fully keep on strict maintenance, but I sure would like to get back in my wardrobe even if I don't really go anywhere anymore. I'm telling myself to not "take out" the side sewing of any of my summer clothes. I wasn't at my lowest last summer so I'm guessing a fair percentage will fit, at least the separates. I don't really wear dresses much anymore since I was always bottom-heavy (and now thick in the middle) and have lost 3 1/2" in height. At only 5' tall dresses are becoming impossible. At 60 they were still fine, but gravity finally caught up with me.

I stayed up late last night spreading “Gourmet Cassis Gel” onto 7 dryer sheets for dehydrating. I don't know if is worth doing. Making fruit leather out of it may not really make it much smaller. It is sauce, like cranberry sauce but only made out of black currants, so doesn't have as much water content as fresh fruit. I better study fruit leathers a little: I think they only keep about 6 months unrefrigerated. I don't know what I will ever use it for even though it is delicious, because of the sugar content but do want to have some storage items in case of emergency. I just don't have much refrigerator or freezer space.

Yesterday I took 6 big bags of groceries to the gal I help supply. She had some intestines taken out and is not doing well and can't cook. She has had strokes and is in much pain from sciatica. Thank you, Lord, I can still get around (even though in pain). It is wonderful to be independent. Do I dare mention without causing strong reactions from anyone that my husband erased almost all my e-mails? Once I get on a roll here telling how things are, I reveal too much. I was furious for about 2 minutes but maybe it's not any worse than what he's been doing the last month. Things will probably get worse before they get better. I feel like something is changing in me. I'm tired, not trying to reason with him anymore, and wondering what it will look like or at what point things will change. Also, I haven't been scared for months even though he did get "physical" with me again 2 weeks ago. I can only say that because I am anonymous here on FS. Inside I think I am distancing emotionally to some extent. In the past, I felt that was wrong. It doesn't feel wrong now because it's not from resentment. I still want to be kind and gentle but am not seeking approval or even companionship. There really isn't much, and there has not been a kiss or hug for months. If you haven't read my other journals don't bother telling me what I should be doing differently because my mind, heart, and intentions are set. With what strength I have I want to finish my course with honor. I want to be solicitous and am still knocking myself out caring for him, but it's harder to feel warmth or protectiveness. I always said I don't want to live without him: the love of my life since I was 16 and 60 years of marriage. I am old and getting weaker, and never wanted to live alone but so far, tough like a piece of old leather. Our daughter wouldn't have me. I have a picture of an upside-down cow with his legs straight up that says "I'm fine". Love it.

58.2 kg Lost so far: 0 kg.    Still to go: 4.9 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.

---

885 kcal

Fat: 59.30g | Prot: 19.92g | Carbs: 76.90g.   Breakfast: Coffee. Lunch: Strawberries, Whipping Cream, Oatmeal. Dinner: Potato Gnocchi, Daisy 4% Small Curd Cottage Cheese, Thousand Island Dressing, Parmesan Cheese (Shredded), Marie's Chunky Blue Cheese Dressing, Mixed Salad Greens. Snacks/Other: Decaffeinated Tea Unsweetened. more...