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Thank you all for your kind wishes on my last journal. Our dinner out for our 60th Anniversary was very pleasant. Incredibly we started talking to the couple at the next table, and before they left they paid for our dinner. Yes, this is the same guy some have asked about in my previous journals. He doesn't treat me badly ALL the time, but yes, way too often. He gets nasty almost every day, sometimes multiple times. I'm sorry it's hard for some to understand my needing to finish my job of taking care of an 85 years old disabled husband who is weak and dizzy most of the time with his heart failure and multiple problems. Many old people run into the situation of one partner becoming mean due to dementia. I'm not saying he has dementia, and I certainly cannot commit him. He is not ready for that, and he wouldn't stay. In fact, he will not leave our home, since he cannot take care of himself at this point. I took care of my mother while she was dying of cancer and that was terrible. Our son was killed by a drunk driver, but before he died I thought I might have to take care of a near-vegetable for the rest of my life. Our daughter is very critical of me and says mean things. But she has stage 4 cancer and if she needs and wants me to care for her I intend to. Also selfishly I really don't want to give up my house and car, which we only have one of. Yes, I may leave for a night if he gets violent. A casual friend told me I would be better off living in a motel room than living with his disrespect. Motel rooms near here are dangerous and bleak places. We have lived in our comfortable 2 story house for 50 years. Just because we only paid 29,000.00 in Los Angeles, with earthquake damage, it's still a lot more comfortable than a motel room. I admit I want to keep my own comfort if possible, but even more, I really want to finish my course with honor as I see it. I have lived a very useless life, unlike other's honorable professions. I really commend them for that. I told him if he shoots me to aim for the head or the heart since I don't want to just be hurt. I will turn 80 this year and live with pain, so am ready to go. Also, I am trying to learn to keep my mouth shut, not to ask why anymore, and not try to reason with him anymore. I'm a slow learner and didn't understand his narcissistic tendencies. I tried so hard to be a good wife and didn't realize I was going in the wrong direction. I have not been easy to live with either. Sewing is my hobby and I have too many clothes from the thrift store. He would prefer to live like the house was an "army locker". The house is mostly shabby chic from thrift stores, which is busier with hand-me-downs and garage sale finds. I made all our drapes, curtains, bedspreads, and recovered furniture myself. My health problems also contributed to not wanting to support 2 children on my own. Yes, he beat me down emotionally but said it wasn't his fault because I was already weak from child abuse. What a weak wimp I was. But now I feel stronger, mentally and emotionally, and I don't want to jump ship at this very late date. It would be a certain death sentence for him. Often I think each day will be my last. I have 3 kinds of heart trouble and this bad back rules my life. Thank you, Jesus, I get to live all eternity with you. Only You accept my retched soul, with all my many faults.
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55.0 kg
Lost so far: 0 kg.
Still to go: 1.6 kg.
Diet followed: Poorly.
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Losing 0.3 kg a Week
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