Snowwhite100's Journal, 22 Nov 20

Don't feel too bad, just make up for it tomorrow by cutting those calories from your daily meals. One mistake can easily be fixed. 

And you stay because? 

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. 💛🙏 

@Lirope actually I want to say, Dear Lirope. Will I ever get used to the @ sign before the name, and not giving a pleasantry before the name? No, I guess not. It's because I am old. And Lirope, I suppose that maybe the whole point. Without reading at least some of my previous journals, you have no way of knowing the gist of my life. How do I say it? Old is just teaching me some of life's lessons that I learn so slow. Over 50 years ago I left 3 times. Lirope, my husband is 84 years old, with heart failure, COPD/Emphysema, Sleep apnea, memory problems, mini and small strokes, limited blood supply to his legs, etc., and kidney disease. He has been in the hospital 6 times in just over a year. Five weeks ago he went into kidney failure. We have been married for 59 years. I vowed when we married: for better or worse. Now, if I had not been so codependent and had physical and emotional problems of my own, I probably would have left permanently. But I can't say I would have been doing the right thing. If I had been a better person, and not codependent, I would have been a "different" person. Yes, I loved him very much, and we had 2 children I would have had to support. I can't say they would have had a better life with just me. It's tough raising children by yourself. With my physical problems that really scared me, although I was working. I made the decision to try to stick it out for a multitude of reasons, right or wrong. I've been very good to him is some ways, and I'm not very good in other ways, which is probably true of most of us. In our marriage, we have gone through some very hard times, and some better times. Oh, what a mix of a great love, and trauma life can be. I'm not the only one that can say that. Many people have gone through tough times, and tragedy. I took care of my mother in our home when she was (slowly) dying of cancer, and I had an extensive illness when I was 28. Our son was killed by a drunk driver, and our daughter has stage 4 cancer. Now at this late time in our lives, how can I desert him, when he can't even take care of himself. Sometimes I complain bitterly here on Fatsecret where I am anonymous. My husband and I are both loners, plus he has not wanted me to entertain which would have been in my nature. We don't have family around, so now I find myself with no support system. When I get too verbal on Fatsecret and either wear others out or offend someone, I run away and don't journal for a while. I don't take criticism well and have been criticized for that. I'm a catch 22. You are probably a stronger person than I am. You have handled your life problems in the best way you could. Some of those ways catch up with us the older we get. I am 79 now and surprised I've lived so long. My parents died in their 60's. In the last few years, I've aged at an accelerated pace. Even 3 or 4 years ago seem remote to me, evidenced by that picture I posted. I don't look like that now. The stress is taking a big toll. I am "spending" myself on my husband. That is my decision. He needs me. Would somebody please respond.... 

Snow, I can relate to much of what you've written. My husband is also in stage 3 ck failure and has congestive heart failure. He has for about 15 years now. One thing people don't always realize is how tired a person with these conditions feel and how many of us are not really very nice when we don't feel well and are cranky and irritated when we don't have a disease? I know I have my days. The care taker many times the spouse most often bears the brunt of it. I respect and admire your commitment to your husband. Hang in there! I know it's hard not to get to a weak point where you take things personally every now and then but keep telling yourself that it's not you and don't take it personally. Not sure if you're a praying person but I will pray for you to have strength to endure.  

Also I want to say I was stress eating alot too. I'm so glad I got to the point mentally this summer to commit to my own health and found the FS community. It's really helping me to stay on track. Don't beat yourself up. You have to be ready mentally to gear up for the longhaul but at least you are here taking those first steps! 

Snow, Loving takes many forms. In our later years some times it looks like knowing that our other half suffers and lashes out at those who are near because this time in life is difficult all around. Keep reaching out. You are doing the best you can too. It doesn't mean you don't have regrets. There are many of us here who are not dealing with what you are who regret not maintaining our progress or reaching goals. When your are ready and when you can you will resist things like pumpkin cake ( I was glad I didn't have to face that temptation) good job on getting rid of the rest of it. That was a win. 

Hi I've read some of your journal and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad to see you still on here. Everyone needs a safe place to vent. Feel free to email me on here and vent. I will read your emails, won't offer unsolicited advice and just lift you up in prayers of my understanding. You take care of yourself and hopefully you will be able to have a pleasant Thanksgiving.  

Praying for you always snow. ❤️🙏 You live your marriage vows and I respect you. No one can tell you what you should do. You are honoring your marriage vows and your reward will be in heaven. Hold on, don’t give up. You will make it!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

With all that maybe you should start again slow? Just find a few little things to cut out like dressings and sauces. Then maybe breakfast. I found it was very helpful to schedule as plan my meals in advance. If I knew what I was making and only made the right amount then I could fit in things like cake (for me it was candy bars). With the stress you are under it’s no wonder you binged. Plus factor in this time of year and covid restrictions etc. Next time you want to binge come vent to us and we can keep you busy so you don’t grab that cake ;). 

Snowwhite, I'm so sorry for your troubles. This is your journal and you have every right to post whatever you want to post. I'm 77, so we are near the same age. When you're young you cannot imagine what life is like when you get older. You owe no one an explanation for why you have stayed with your husband, that's your business. Keep working on your weight loss journey, today is a new day. And you are not alone, we are here for you. 💛 

I will be praying for you and your husband Snow 🙏💜 

I'm praying for a blessing for you and your husband. You do need sometime alone just to be you and do some good things for yourself. I believe you are a amazing woman. Stay strong for yourself and your husband.  

Of course I don't know you, but it seems like I do! I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. One day at a time dear Snow. You are honoring the vows you took before God and are to be commended. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, but wise women pick their battles. Stand up for yourself when he abuses you and continue to be the good wife you are striving to be. I hope knowing that others care helps in some small way. Hugs!! 

I hope things get better. Sending you love and wishing you kindness 

Dear Snow, I want to apologize for my insensitive remark. It was unkind and I regret it. And I appreciate your calling me out on it. I am in the same boat as your husband, plus diabetes. My Dr put me on a antidepressant and I am handling things much better. When we are sick and can't do anything to stop the thoughts of dying and in constant pain, we some times lash out. I am 85 and was never this way until it all started to go down hill about 5 years ago. Anyway, I hope you will accept my humble apology. And may the Lord bless you in all that you do. 

Dear Snow. I am so very sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be crabby. He is probably tired of feeling like crap and may be scared as well. Unfortunately we tend to sometimes take things out on the ones we love the most. I know my husband and I have been through our ups and downs over the past 17 years of our marriage. I try to remember that he helped take care of both my parents as we tag teamed (one with heart disease and the other with Alzheimer's). You two have a much longer history together. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I'm glad you are reaching out to others and not keeping it inside. I pray that your husband treats you better in the upcoming days. Take care and may God give you strength. 💕🙏 

Thank you all for your wonderful responses to me. You all have been so loving, and supportive. It means so very much to me. I tend to be very much alone. It was silly of me to ask for someone to respond when I was writing in the comment section. Being emotional I forgot where I was at. Lirope, just today 12/3 I read the rest of the comments including yours. I don't think you have anything to apologize for, you were just asking a question. I did get pretty carried away answering it. I've complained so much on Fatsecret and had many gals come right out and tell me I should leave. You weren't doing that. And of course, since you did apologize, I accept whole-heartedly. I would love to correspond with you but have no way to contact you since you don't share any journal, so there isn't even any way I can private message you. If you go to my profile page and click on the envelope you can private message me and give me an e-mail where I can reach you. No one else can see it that way. @rhontique, I so appreciate you and left a note to tell you so as a comment to your journal of 11/29. Thank you all for your prayers. I just wouldn't want to live without them. @WindyFlowers, when you say you read some of my journal, does that mean you went back to previous days? I do that with people but I don't know if others do. I've thought to delete a couple of comments about my daughter when she especially hurt me. I don't want to hurt her, with her cancer and all. If you don't bother coming back here maybe I'll leave this comment either on your journal, or a private message. It makes me feel so validated as a person. Something I seldom feel.