TaniaBarnet's Journal, 04 May 20

Been unable to walk since Tuesday pm. my knee kept swelling till it was impossible to use my left leg. Rang ambulance middle of the night as pain was so intense and I was crying and screaming. They refused to come saying it was not covid-19 therefore not an emergency. Never mind not being able to breathe properly (lymphedema has swollen my abdomen and was squashing my vital organs). I felt so angry at our useless one-trick pony of NHS! Happy to get debts written off, happy to receive donations if food and money, but unhappy to look after emergencies like mine. So what if a fat woman wees and shits herself because she cannot get to the toilet or even bend her knee to sit and stand up? Not their problem.

Rang my GP the following morning. He defended the ambulance people. Said nobody can help me, that what did I think would happen with me putting weight on and on. Told me beds are not designed to take more than 160 kilos anyway and hospitals have to concentrate on saving lives. What about my life? I asked him. He then began telling me to write to Boris and Matt and complain and before I had a chance to say a thing he went in to say "anyway I am not going to go into politics" and finish off by saying "some people will have to be sacrificed for the greater good"!!

To say I was livid would be an understatement. He then texted me a link to send him a pic of my leg and after that prescribed me some antibiotics for cellulitis.

I have been thinking that there is no future for me because the GP confirmed eventually the lymphedema will crush my heart and lungs. I tried to tell him that I was fasting and doing well but he doesn't care and probably does not believe me. I thought of digging a knife in my leg to make the accumulated fluid run out. I cried bitter tears (literally! and stinging, too) because even to reach the knife I need help. I thought of drinking all my pills at once but feared they would wash my stomach and I'll be left more disabled if I don't do it right. I thought of assisted suicide clinics in Switzerland but with travel bans in place... fat chance! Then I thought that I am a parasite relying on my kid to survive and that whilst I am around, she will never have a life. And as I can't help myself, when she does go away (as she should) where will that leave me? Then I think that I am where I am now because of lack of love and that opens a whole can of worms.

Why is life so unfair? if we were Buddhist I would think I was a bad person in a previous life so came back to suffer for my past misdeeds. I would also have hope that if I behave well in spite of all adversity, I would earn a better life next time around.

The UK is a really bad country for those with health problems. I need to get out. But how when I can hardly move to access my toilet?

Last night I breathed in stomach fluid again. My gastric band plus the abdominal lymphedema means when I sleep sitting I still get fluid kicked upwards. what happens then is I wake up with my heart racing and coughing like mad. I haven't slept in a bed for almost 15 years. I used to sleep when my daughter's dad was there to cuddle me and offer his hip as a rest for my knee. He was aware when my body got uncomfortable and would massage my feet till the endorphins relaxed me and sleep claimed me. I was alright whilst being loved. After him there was a brief interlude with bigteddy but he was never meant to stay and it was an act of desperation on my side. That guy destroyed me. I vowed never to let anyone in, never to cling on anyone after him and I haven't.

Anyway, of course I have put on weight. My legs and abdomen are huge! The medication keeps playing havoc with my bowels - antibiotic diarrhoea countered by painkiller constipation. But if I do not take painkillers 3x day, I cannot even stand up. Sigh.

I hope I get to read this entry in the future and laugh about how low I felt. But in case this doesn't happen, at least the world will understand how the social isolation and NHS shortcomings led me here.

197.7 kg Lost so far: 0 kg.    Still to go: 77.7 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.