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Someone suggested on one of my challenges, several days ago, that I go on our planned camping trip without my husband if he decides not to go. In other circumstances I would, since even at an old age, I am pretty gutsy. The campgrounds at Bass Lake and Yosemite are pretty protected, and our daughter and her husband will be there in their trailer, but I don't feel I can leave my husband. He gets dizzy, and is in danger of falling. He has trouble walking since he has almost complete blockage of the arteries that feed blood to his legs. He needs oxygen at higher altitudes and the doctor is ordering it this week. He is feeling very vulnerable and has decided he just doesn't feel good enough to go.
Last year at this time we went to Yosemite, but we left after 1 night, even though our daughter and husband were coming the next day, plus we had reservations at Bass Lake for a couple of days and my nephew and wife would be there in addition to our daughter. But he wouldn't stay even though it is 2000 feet lower than our cabin. Funny, we did go up to our cabin at 6000 feet a couple of times through the summer to rake, weed, and clean up, staying about 3 nights each time. He did have some trouble breathing at night. His C-Pap pushes air in but doesn't add oxygen.
Then at Thanksgiving our daughter made reservations at the beach above Santa Barbara for all of us, to kind of make up for the missed camping, and there would not be any altitude breathing problems. He wouldn't go at the last minute because he said he would be cold. It was 70 degrees there, but he wouldn't listen. California is pretty wonderful. He told me to go ahead without him, and I really thought to go, since I would only be about 2 or 3 hours away, and it would only be for about 2 days. Then when he got off the couch he almost fell down. I couldn't leave him.
I go to church without him when he doesn't go, then go out to lunch, and grocery shopping. I don't feel guilty. I've even gone to the movies a couple of times just to get away, when he is very abusive. He still drives by himself to Home Depot or other shopping, plus some of his doctor appointments when he won't let me go. We are down to one vehicle since his van burned up (the motor) several months ago moving our daughter to Arizona. I kept my mouth shut about replacing it since the doctor was testing his memory loss, and I was afraid he was going to have his driver's license taken away. He has me do more and more of the driving because he is dizzy a lot. But whenever he thinks I “want” to drive, he gets stubborn and won't let me. If he lost his license I believe he would still drive, and we would not have any insurance. I absolutely cannot control him. There is no lying or tricking him.
He did have pneumonia again over New Years but in February told me to go ahead and make reservations again for camping this June. He was feeling optimistic. He had a high altitude breathing test last week at a local hospital, but I don't know when he will get the tank. We used to camp in our van with his C-pap on a battery. Our daughter said we could sleep in their trailer. It seems he doesn't want to bother with a C-pap plus oxygen camping in a tent. I can't blame him. It's been a lot of years since we used a tent, but “I” would. As much as we love camping and have gone every year, it is just getting harder and harder. I think it's over, and I couldn't take our only car and go that far, and leave him stranded. As a matter of fact, I'd have to be pretty upset to even go spend the night with my sister.
I might mention here that he has been very crabby for a few days now, but it's a circumstance that I can't blame him for. We had a leaking toilet that ruined several boards of the wood floor around it. He got in the back of the attic past the heating system to get some “left over” flooring from when we laid it. Now “I” could have crawled back in there without making a mess. All our camping stuff is back there and I crawl in every year and get it out just fine. But there are hanging clothes over part of the crawling path, boxes of tax papers, clothes for masquerade parties, extra boxes of things I put away when our house was “totaled” by the earthquake, extra bedding, dog carrier, mats from our van, some stuff of our daughters, and all that camping equipment, etc, etc, etc. He just tore out so much stuff and threw it in the path to crawl in and out. I kept my mouth shut and just pulled it all out. Now I have even a bigger mess than I had before. Yes, I have too many clothes, plus all the ones I “have been” wearing and altering: taking in, and shortening since I have lost not only weight but almost 3 inches in height. Sewing has become my hobby I suppose, since I do more of that than anything else. There is so much in my life that I have no control over, this is something I can change. It is not an emotional issue for me, as most things are. It's almost an escape. But now with losing so much weight almost everything needs tailoring. I can't just throw it all away and go buy new.
My husband won't pay anyone to help with the toilet and wood floor, nor ask anyone to help. My house is still a wreak from the 1994 earthquake, and he was in construction. The shoe makers children goes without shoes. He does ask me to help move the heavy toilet, even with my bad back. We are on a second installation of toilets. Things are just tense when he isn't yelling at me. And now his hearing aids haven't been working for a couple of days, and he wants me to yell everything. It's fine to stay home. I'm not sure I want to go camping with someone who yells at me continually. I'd rather sit in front of the TV and sew. But I have nowhere to wear the clothes. They give me pleasure anyway. Sorry to be so long but I have nowhere else. I haven't been airing for a while, but once I got started it comes spilling out. I'm so glad I still have the Lord, and I wouldn't want to live without Him. Fasted 18 hours.
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47.5 kg
Lost so far: 6.4 kg.
Still to go: 0 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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1032 kcal
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Fat: 74.75g | Prot: 66.45g | Carbs: 23.23g.
Breakfast: Coffee. Lunch: Baked or Broiled Salmon, Butter, Egg, Cabbage. Dinner: Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup, Cooked Cauliflower (Fat Not Added in Cooking), Chicken Leg, Trader Joe's Chunky Blue Cheese Dressing & Dip, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Trader Joe's Organic Baby Arugula. more...
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steady weight
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