Snowwhite100's Journal, 02 Feb 19

I haven't weighed 113 since I was 12...unless you're three feet tall that is a fabulous weight! I am super jealous! Honestly my cousin and I have been fighting weight for about 25 years. When she was younger I was always jealous of her. The problem is she hated her body...she just wanted to be heavier. She felt better at 110 than she did at her "normal" 90-95 pounds, darlin' she is only an inch shorter than me! We are 5'4" (me) and 5'3" (her) and neither one of us is happy! People have their own idea of what "looks right" I could never weigh under 130...I look terrible! And at just one inch shorter she could never weigh over 115. Because everyone is different it's important not to superimpose our idea of right over someone else. It isn't okay that she is critical...I haven't seen you so maybe if I looked at you, I would say you are too skinny lol. I just can't imagine that at 113 you are overweight. Now...if she said you need to gain some muscle...that might be different (although still not cool, you're her momma, she needs to respect lol). You mention that you have lost a lot of muscle tone maybe she was trying to say that...I don't know, I wasn't there...you decide. But if she was just being mean-spirited don't cut her any slack or make excuses for her bad behavior! You need to put you first, if she won't... 

Dear Katies71, thank you for your comments. You are very right that we are all different, and no, I don't think I am overweight. I started Keto and Fatsecret for health reasons. I do have rolls of fat around my middle but at 77 years of age, and living a sedentary lifestyle they have just developed. I used to be 5' 3 3/4" but am only 5' 1" now, shrinking almost 3 inches. Because my daughter can carry more weight and still wear a size 4 or 6, I believe she thought that was too little weight for me, regardless of size. Her thinking is strange to me. When she was 40 years old and I was 60, she called and asked if I could see my butt through my legs when standing naked in front of a mirror? She said that for the first time, she could, so assumed her butt was dropping with age. Now, to me, that is a very strange question to ask a 60 year old woman. It would never occur to me to point out to little old ladies the toll that gravity and age has taken on them. I can only hope that at 60, little old ladies can be the most healthy and active that they can be, bless them. But then a month ago or less, she told me probably the worst thing that she has ever said to me. I'm struggling to forget it, forgive it, and never mention it. She has cancer and I don't want to do anything to come between our relationship. Three months ago my husband told me I was fat (because of that stomach). What does it mean to put me first? I get all mixed up. Like when people say you must be taking good care of yourself? What does that really mean? I floss, but I don't get enough sleep. What does it mean to not cut my daughter any slack? It really doesn't matter if I weigh a little more or a little less. It's meaningless. I think she has had bad behavior towards me numerous times, but as an adult, even though she is my daughter I have not corrected her. The last time I tried to correct misinformation that she believed, or even one other time I tried to implore her for ?? grace ?? I only received a tirade. Because of her cancer, never again. I'm afraid she wouldn't speak to me, for who knows how long. Frankly I don't think she likes me very much, maybe she takes after her father (we've been married for 57 years), but then I don't think I like me very much either. 

I hear you! And I will keep listening and sharing my stories with you here. Most of us are not judgemental and you seem to know that. It is a pretty safe place to vent since it’s not so “public” (especially with family and personal friends) like Facebook. For me “taking care of myself” in the emotional sense is not allowing ANYONE to change my happiness or self worth. I know how difficult it is to walk on eggshells with a family member or two. I reach out to friends that support and love me to help me know myself better. I am far from perfect and Katie is right. You deserve respect. We all do. As far as KETO it isn’t right for everyone. It is hard to sustain for some people and we gain the weight back for that reason. I’ve had 150 on my DL forever and I have not weighed that since I was 45 and 142lbs for a month. At 142lbs I’m a size 4/6. LOL. I’m on the Mayo Clinic diet for my health and it works best for me and my bum ticker and arthritis. I’ll go back to sleep now. Today is my only day off work and I’m 66. Hugs sweetie pie. Take care.  

Your daughter's perpetual criticism must be a source of sadness and frustration for you. Very painful. I'm so very glad to have you among my FS friends!  

It's hard to be a Mom! It's hard to be a person! Don't fret Snowwhite100, when your daughter or your husband say something snarky to you, just reply, "That's something to think about," and then move on. It doesn't give them any ammo and you don't fall into the trap of being hurt by it. Don't bother trying to fix them, just do your thing, and pray their vitriol diminishes and try to find something semi-nice, like the curtain rod is still up, or the dog is getting enough cheese, and go on with it. There is a good AL-ANON devotional called "The Courage To Change" which is basically about accepting that we can't change others, but we can change ourselves (I know, duh, but wow, hard!) and it is a very helpful book to read if you are a mom or a person. Good luck.  

Snow White 100. You didn’t mention how tall you are. I am 70 years old, weigh 113-115, 5’3 inches tall. My BMI is 119.2, a1c is 4.8-5. I would like to be 118 but I can’t maintain it easily. Is 100 lb. realistic for you or are you trying to get that low for your daughter? Can you work on developing your muscle tone. Don’t get into unhealthy weight ranges just to please someone else. And, just because they are your kids, does not mean that they cannot be moved to the perimeter of your life. 

Snowwhite, do you think it's possible that your daughter is concerned about your overall health? If you have osteopenia or osteoporosis, she may be worried. What you want to weigh is your decision and I will support you. So sorry about your strained relationship with your daughter. ♥️ 

Just read through your response to an earlier FS member. Please take care of you first. I am sorry you have a daughter with cancer as well as a husband who makes such inconsiderate remarks. It sounds like your daughter and husband have similar personalities. At 77, you should be given the proper respect you so deserve. 

You always have us to speak to you.  

Dear Snowwhite! Our family may take us for granted and say anything to us because whom else will love them so unconditionally!!? You are a superb mother. She is young and naive and will love you even more when she realizes your kindness. Your weight and you have only each other.🤗 You can do it for yourself!! Here on FS we are all in the same boat. Trying to get the body and weight we know is under there somewhere. The great thing is we're here together trying!!!  

Dear, dear Snowwhite100! your daughter was critical of you before her dx (which is indeed terrible), so I wouldn't chalk up her abuse to that. You need not tolerate that from *anyone*, least of all your own family! I like the cool response to rude or hurtful remarks that I once read in Ann Landers (or Dear Abby). As you turn away and leave the situation, and without waiting for a response, you state matter-of-factly: "I don't know why you would say such a thing to *anyone*." May out support here give you nothing but comfort. 

I can't thank you enough for all the kind words and I burst out in tears at the affirmations, because I wasn't sure if I would be ridiculed at the superficial complaining. I have said in the past in a journal that if I revealed too much about myself I might run away/quit FS. May I please tell you all, that you have not only been wonderful, but even beyond that, I think the Lord used your kind words to perform some sort of healing in me. I'm sorry to say that I do have a great deal of healing to do. I was in therapy years ago but I don't think I received any healing so to speak. It helped me to understand a particular disability I have. Today, after reading your responses, I had the strength to think of others, and be calm and serene. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Also for the first time, it occurred to me, after wanting to respond to two gals that were just diagnosed with cancer in the last week, that I can be a part of a support system here, along with you. Yes, I still do not want to reveal the worst of me, and I hope I do not complain so much, but maybe I won't repeat my life long pattern of running away from people when they get frustrated with me.