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Lately, a lot has been on my mind. Most of it's been to do with my physical state, both my body & my home. Both are a mess & both need a lot of work. Well, my home's structurally sound & in good shape that way, but I need to sort out a lot of junk in here. Not all of it's junk & most of what needs to go can be donated to the local thrift store or sold. Some stuff will just be tossed since it isn't worth keeping & needs to be gotten rid of, but, as I said, I have a lot that can be donated or sold.
I have no problem once or twice a year going through my clothes & getting rid of a lot of it, but the rest of the things in my home, well, that always proves harder. I have the potential to be a hoarder, & I've known for quite a while that a lot of my holding onto stuff is a way to hold people back, to keep walls in place, something that's become an uncomfortably comfortable (if that makes any sense) way of keeping others at bay. I've only had people into my home a handful of times since I moved in here almost 7 years ago. It's become a shield, but I'm not happy with this shield. I'm not actually happy with having a shield to hold people back, & I'm sick & tired of it.
It's the same with my physical self. Part of why I've let myself get to the size that I am is because I don't want people to get close to me. At least not quickly. Occasionally I let people come close & past certain barriers that I cautiously let the rare person past, but I don't want those barriers to be up any longer.
I'm an introvert & always have been, & so there will always be that part of me that clings to my alone time & to having quiet time & solitude in order to keep my strength & to recharge. That's just part of who I am.
That's different from having a thick wall around me, though, whether it's in the form of boxes of stuff in my home or in the form of being overweight. It's one thing to be on my own & confident & to share my life with others & the like, but it's another thing altogether to hide behind stuff & my weight.
I'm tired of hiding.
I will never be the kind of person who lets people in easily or quickly - I never have been, even before things started happening that helped to make me who I am today - but I can definitely be a lot more open & wiling to let people in, & that is a huge part of why I'm doing what I'm doing, as well as why I'm recommitting to this now.
We all have hurts in our past & we all go through things. That's part of life. The thing that matters is what we do with our pasts & what's happened to us. I've unconsciously let myself hide & keep to myself. Yes, I'm an introvert & will always seek solitude, but my seeking of solitude goes way beyond what even an introvert does.
I'm ready to be open & to start letting people in - slowly - & I'm choosing now to recommit to losing weight, whether it's physical or emotional or mentally or spiritually or in the form of stuff.
So here I go!!
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2881 kcal
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Exercise:
Walking (moderate) - 5/kph - 40 minutes, Cleaning - 2 hours, Resting - 13 hours and 20 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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