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I am still able to keep pretty well to my 16/8 intermittent fasting every day. Some days I eat an hour early since needing to cook for my husband. I have had wine only once in 77 days, and only 2 desserts in 49 days, but am not losing any weight. Life hurts so much I haven't given up bread. I think I am grieving more for my marriage than even for the loss of our daughter. I just can't believe she is gone.
We went to our cabin a week and a half ago to check on it. It's above 6,000 ft elevation between Lake Arrowhead and Big Bear in Southern California. We didn't make it up there last summer because every time my husband made plans to go his breathing was too poor. The summer before we only went up twice, once to turn on the water for the few flowers we have and one new Dogwood tree, and once in November to turn it off and drain the pipes for winter. Actually the summer before that we only made it up one extra time for a total of three trips. For the last 5 years or more, my husband would rake the leaves and pine needles wearing his portable oxygen machine. It seems unlikely we would go last week since his breathing just keeps deteriorating these last three years. If he gets any extra water in his system (not enough diuretics) he develops water around his heart and lungs and ends up in the hospital. This last winter was a record breaker in California so the snow was extra, extra heavy, and we felt extra pressure to go check on it. Going in the winter is out of the question for him. Up there I worked washing the kitchen from two years of mouse droppings and the third day he went out to start two years' worth of raking. Even carrying around his portable oxygen, he overdid it and maybe dust and pollen contributed but his breathing "crashed" that night. We went home the next day, but I forgot to turn the heater off. The following day he was in the hospital.
I live on an average of 5 hours of sleep a night on the couch since he locked me out of the bedroom 10 months ago. At UCLA they keep you in Emergency for up to 6 days waiting for an available room, and he was there for 3 days. I only had a straight chair in Emergency and putting my head on his food tray, or leaning against the wall, I only got one hour of sleep a night for two nights. I did go out and lay down on a bench in the lobby for three hours the second night but couldn't go to sleep there. My husband's hearing aids weren't working so I needed to stay with him to explain his very complicated health and history. He has memory loss so he isn't good at that. Since I have felt so very betrayed this last year I wondered if I would stay with him in future hospital visits but when the time came, I did since I was able (mentally and physically). He was in such bad distress, I wondered if he would be coming home. I hardly expected him to. I was so wrung out with no sleep I didn't protect my purse well enough with his wallet in it. He said I hadn't given it to him on the way home like I thought. Three days of searching later I called to cancel credit cards and start mental lists of all the things I would need to replace, like a card for his pacemaker, Social Security, insurance cards, etc. He had put it in the drawer of his nightstand. I probably wouldn't have found it there in a year.
Now he's mad at me and disgruntled that the person who provided his hearing aids is out of the office for a week. The old audiologist hasn't called back probably because he is tired of dealing with such a difficult person. I am trying to make appointments for the outpatient ultrasound of his heart, the cardiologist, and the pulmonologist. I can't leave today waiting for calls for him. I need to go make keys for the neighbor to go in to turn off the heater at the cabin. My husband wants me to help him call various hearing aid places to ask about prices to compare to what he is experiencing. His place is trying to get extra even though insurance already paid $4,000. We can't tell them to go "pound sand" because he needs their constant help. It's such a balancing act between him being dangerous and demanding. He did say "Good Morning" to me but he basically isn't speaking to me. Probably, that's a good thing. You don't have to understand why I am still here with a disabled Narcissistic husband. It's okay. I've written about it too often. If you have those problems start YouTube with Dr. Ramini and go from there to learn what you are really dealing with. The Lord is carrying me. P.S. His Primary doctor just called and changed his appointment. Good thing I was here since he can't hear on the telephone. That's 4 doctors and 1 test accompanied by a doctor I am co-ordinating for right now. At 81 I'm grateful I can do this. Thank you Lord!
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