Snowwhite100's Journal, 12 Aug 22

Today was the final day scheduled for Protective Services to come out and someone did show up. He said my case worker is sick so (as a social worker) they sent him to conduct the home interview. My husband was lying down in bed on oxygen so I asked the man if we could speak privately, so I could give him our history without my husband being there which I had been very apprehensive about, not wanting to inflame my husband's anger. As I explained the last 55 years he remarked that I should stop making excuses for my husband. I told him I can't, but it was gratifying that he was “hearing” me and accepting what I said about our life together. Then he said something about thinking about and doing for myself. I told him it is too late for me (at almost 81) to go out and make a new life for myself. I was very open and told him examples of what has gone on through the years and he said my husband needs to have a neurological evaluation but I told him I didn't think he would do it. This is beginning to sound like my negativity was coming out. I was just being honest, open, and frank. He said I didn't have to answer such a personal question but asked how much income I have: $500. a month. He advised me to not leave my home and to call the police if my husband does anything physical to me including pouring water on me or locking me out of the house. I took him around the house to see my mess because our daughter keeps saying I am abusing my husband with my hoarding mess just as much as he is abusing me. He said no that is not true. Downstairs is just emergency food storage, and he said this is “nothing”. Yeah. I also took him upstairs to see all the worst of what I have and wanted to ask him for his description of it but that fell to the wayside as he needed to leave. Still upstairs he asked me if he could speak to my husband privately. I heard him say to my husband “yes, that I had shown him all the rooms". After finishing he came downstairs and said he could not communicate with my husband. Then my husband called him back upstairs and showed him inside the attic. Leaving, I asked him “What about the money?” and he said my case worker would call me Monday or Tuesday.

As soon as the social worker left I asked my husband if the man explained what he advised me to do. I explained about me not leaving our home, and calling the police if there was anything physical, plus if he locks me out of the house. He said I could call the Fire Department too. He added he “may” lock me out, and if I do something wrong he can pour water on me. The thing accomplished today is me believing I am to stay put until or unless there is a change so I don't have to be thinking about where I am going to go. And because of the social worker's statements that in calling the police they won't do anything, I find myself for the first time in my life feeling willing to do it. Our daughter said if I ever did I would pay dearly for it (from my husband). I am against involving authority in this day and age but I think I am going to have to. That is very sad and I don't think our daughter would accept it or me. But since things are escalating already and he is threatening me, I'm slowly changing. I'm a slow learner and I've been dedicated to taking care of him for so many years and I've so wanted to finish my course with honor. But he is changing. Bottom line, I'll still sleep on the couch: since he locked me out of the bedroom I'm not comfortable going back to his bed. The positive is I don't have to stay up late to water the flowers and vegetable beds in the middle of the night. I don't have to rack my brain about where can I go stay or how can I set up my car for sleeping in, or how I can move boxes of food to our cabin in a car set up for camping. For today, just today the pressure of making plans is taken off of me. Of course any day he may and probably will do something that now I am willing to call the police about and I may need to run for safety. But I can believe I am supposed to trust in the Lord for protection for today and stop worrying about where to go. I can sleep on the couch and hope to get more than the 2 to 4 hours of sleep I have been getting. I can water and do laundry during the day and not worry about getting locked out. If I do, I will take the next step, which I believe is part of what has to happen in this saga of a deteriorating spouse (there are so many) and I can trust the Lord he will carry me through. For tonight, just for tonight, I am “home” in my heart. I'm sorry my husband and our daughter will not and can not understand. Some of you that have been praying, will understand. My peace today was hard won by you and your prayers, and I thank you for that. I'm sorry I am your weak retarded Christian sister, but I'm so glad that I am somebody's sister. Thank you, Lord.