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A continuation of my "quality of life" journal from the last 2 days: we never had much money, but worked hard for many, many years. If you are raising children, it's a struggle to just stay afloat. Even before Covid, it was tough. My husband did not want me to work, and actually undercut me in my self-employment endeavors. Now that we are old, our scrimping and saving and going without many things netted us a small nest egg. We never flew anywhere on vacations, but only went camping. He told me I was not allowed to have $5.00 a week that I didn't have to report to him about. And that was when our children were 17 and 21. I mentioned yesterday in my journal "We cannot qualify for Medi-Cal since we own 1/2 of a cabin in the mountains with my sister. She will not let us "out" of it, even though she owes me more than her 1/2 is worth and I won't sue my sister." In a private message an individual asked: "The cabin you own with your sister, would she agree to sell it and split the money? That property might be a big problem." This lovely person is trying to help me, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate them. Their support is incalculable. And it has been and is a big problem. But I "feel" so negative when I think about just handing her all my money, I'm so human I don't even like myself.
My husband agreed to purchase a tiny cabin in the mountains in 1966 for $7,500. (total) with my sister. I was against being in partnership with one of my abusers, but he went ahead with it against my protests. She said we would share the expenses half and half. She was pretty smart going into it with a carpenter, in fact I think she forged the papers. It was her plans, and our work. My husband built a second story on it so now it is a one bedroom on a road that is not snow-plowed in winter. My sister kept promising to pay us but has not paid her half of the bills since before 1970 when she and her husband were making two and a half times as much money as us. She would never sell me her half, or buy my half. I listed it with a Realtor once and she would not sign the papers to sell. Eventually she owed me more than her half was worth. Even in the 1990's she would rent it for $400. for a 3 day weekend and keep all the money, but I paid for all the utilities (as we still are), and we cleaned up after her renters, and maintained it. In 1995 we had dry rot and termites in the second story and my husband and I spent 161 days up there in just that one year, doing construction to save it from falling over. It was a hazard, and we either had to repair it or demolish it. It was my husband's decision to rebuild part of it and repair it. After that, the next door neighbor's tree fell on it. We spent years with no vacations, but only maintaining that stupid cabin with no help from her, physically or financially. She told me it was good for my marriage to do all that work. When I took one hour off one Sunday to go to church, she said that made it a vacation for me. I hear a boat is a hole in the water to put money in. Real property can be too. It's worse being in partnership with a "taker" with a twisted personality. If we had sold, one half of the sale would have gone to her, and I would have had to sue her to get the money she owed us. I've never been willing to sue my own sister.
Originally she set it up that her half would go to her heirs when she died but through the years acknowledged she owed me all the money. Even though she owes us thousands of dollars, she now says it is not "God's will" for me to know if she is leaving it to me. She is warped. I would have given it to her years ago but my husband would not let me. He and I have now put 54 years of blood, sweat and tears into it and it still does not conform to safety standards. The Electric Company wants us to change the location of all the exterior electrical. My husband can no longer do the work and it would cost thousands. At 5' tall and 300 lbs. she can't use it. She uses a walker and the bathroom is upstairs. Property values near Los Angeles are about the second highest in the nation. Her half is worth about $100,000. right now before the economy and real estate market tanks. We have put a life time of work on this property. That and our damaged earthquake house is all we have to show for 60 years of marriage and work. Shouldn't it be our heritage or legacy? Should I give it to her now? No. But that cabin stops us from qualifying for California's version of Medicaid to pay for a nursing home for my husband or I, if either of us can't take care of ourselves, or each other. My sister and I don't talk about selling any more, in fact she won't talk to me about it at all. I suppose if I now offered her $100,000. (if I had it) she would accept it, but if we sold or gave it away, it would still stop our qualifying for Medicaid because of the "look-back" rule. She told me she doesn't want me to have anything without her. She also told me it was my fault our son was killed by a drunk driver. She has invited herself to my house for Christmas dinner but said she doesn't like my menu. There has to be some name for her, but I'd have to wash my mouth out with soap.
I want no revenge. I pray to the Lord that He does not "hold against her," her sins against me. She seems incapable of repentance, but says she's a Christian. I'm leaving that up to God. My own relationship with Him is enough for me to handle. I want to forgive, and sometimes I worry I don't forgive "good enough." I just want peace with God. I want to go to Heaven. My husband isn't really capable of living on his own, without me and my help. Or at least our daughter wouldn't let him. She said she couldn't leave him here with the car. She would take him him to Arizona and put him in some kind of retirement home, even against his will. She would then sell our house to pay for it. I have fractures in my lower back I was born with, that never healed, and the discs are deteriorating. I struggle with pain. Our daughter's cancer chemo is nearly $20,000. a month. What if the government stops paying? There goes my house. In this country you need to either be broke or have substantial resources. We are/have neither, we are small potatoes. Past 65 years of age, most have Medicare from the federal government instead of private insurance. When you finally need nursing care, they will pay for 100 days, just over 3 months, maximum. If you can't show Medicare you will get better they switch off Medicare sooner. After that the state Medicaid kicks in or you have to pay for it yourself. The national average for a semi-private room in a nursing home is $7,441.00 per month. Few people can afford that. And some think they can give away money, or property, or sell real property, cars or whatever else they have to qualify but the look-back period of all states except California is five years. California is three years. You can qualify with a primary home, but if it isn't in a Living Trust, California will take it after you die to repay what they consider a loan. Other states are tougher than California. It is the only state that has not complied with the federal standards. There are cases of people that ran out of money who were in nursing homes where their three months of Medicare nursing care ran out or Medicaid didn't kick in for any reason, and the nursing home personnel actually put the people out on the street? At least here in Los Angeles, maybe your town is better.
When I was younger and stronger, I hoped either my husband or I could care for one another if need be. Since I am going on 80 and am weaker, I'm losing faith in that and the alternatives scare me. I used to joke that I would go to Home Depot and pick up one of those men that stand out front to throw my husband on the toilet, if he got to the point I couldn't handle him. The other side of this complicated coin is that eight years ago when I broke my back helping my husband (after his aneurysm surgery) and I couldn't get out of bed, he brought me two slices of toast to eat for the whole day. He is no care taker! It never occurred to me before I wouldn't have to go on a hunger strike in the worst case scenario, lol. Nursing homes in Los Angeles are notoriously bad. Small town are surely better. I spoke to a pharmacist at Anthem/Blue Cross's prescription arm, and she told me her mother (a tiny little woman) was in a nursing home, and they gave her an anti-psychotic drug like they gave my husband (and tied him down) a year ago September at Holy Cross Hospital, where he almost died. When the pharmacist went in to see her mother she was unconscious, with her face down in her plate of food. Of course she took her mother out of that nursing home immediately. That time, a year ago September was when I starting binging, and I was so upset with what happened to my husband at that hospital I couldn't even write about it. I said I would, but never did. I was so upset, I was wild inside. I've gained about 4 or 5 sizes. When my husband was in UCLA hospital two months ago I spoke to a technician there and he said he left Holy Cross (and it's sister hospitals Providence in this area) because it has gone down so severely. And he agreed it is becoming a more general practice to give patients anti-psychotics in many hospitals and nursing homes. Those are suppose to be for schizophrenics and individuals with bi-polar (my husband has neither), and never for people with heart failure which my husband does have.
Our son was a passenger in a head on auto crash with a drunk driver when he was 21. He had no seat belt on, and they air lifted him to a hospital. The doctor there said there were worse things that could happen to him than dying. That was true for our son and it is true for my husband and me. Our son had brain stem damage and ultimately there was no blood supply to his brain, so I didn't have to make any decisions about pulling the plug. We donated all his body parts that could be used. My husband and I hope to donate our bodies to science, and some places are still taking them if you are Covid19 negative. Some may think I am pessimistic. but I don't think so. I have so much and I'm so grateful. I have a home to live in, a car, money to buy groceries, and there are groceries out there to buy. I still have my husband, and the strength to shop for groceries, cook, and clean up enough to make life livable. Most of us live like kings compared to much of the world. I support a boy in Guatemala and there were others before him. There are so many now with Covid growing that have lost their jobs or in danger of it. Things look pretty scary for so many. We may be calling these "the good old days" before long. Let's enjoy them to the best of our ability. To be continued...
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