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Subject: "Quality of Life" in old age, and end of life decisions. If you aren't interested in these things don't bother wasting your time here. For those who think this is not the appropriate place to air these things: the issues of life do affect our eating and whether we can be strong enough to wrestle through healthy eating, plus trying to keep our weight toward something that, if not pleasing us, at least that we can tolerate without too much discomfort. I have certainly spent time and wordy diatribes complaining about my husband and the fears of losing him. Some people here on FS have complained about my (and others) going too far in our journals about subjects not related to food. Others understand that for many of us our whole life affects our eating. Those of us that binge or are overweight can usually admit our emotional health, or lack thereof is what has driven most of our dietary train wreck. Maybe I shouldn't say our "emotional health". What I want to say is that all the hurts, life has subjected us to, has affected our eating. Some individuals, including me, have little in the way of outlets to share ourselves. It has been a real comfort to me when some members have said our journals are our own, and we can write whatever we wish. Some share about their health problems, children problems, and so forth. Actually, some have gone so far as to encourage me to keep writing. In this coming regard, I am hoping not only to unburden but am hoping I might find some individuals that would either share their thinking for their own lives or to give me greater insight.
A couple of years ago I read a couple of books about dementia and about making decisions for what we wanted or how we wanted to be treated at the end of our life. I wish I could find the book written by the doctor that started a program to help physicians start these conversations with their patients. He firmly believed every one over 18 should decide and then have written instructions on how they wanted to be treated if they couldn't speak for themselves, like after a car accident or the like. Most people avoid these things and do not move ahead with written instructions until perhaps they reach old age. I too have put this off repeatedly, until I have reached the ripe old age of 79. Some of it I know what I want. Some of it I am struggling with.
Since my 84 year old husband has been in the hospital 6 times in just over a year, the last being kidney failure two months ago, some have suggested I get my life in order and think about what I would like to do if I find myself alone. Perhaps 59Carol has been the biggest proponent of that, probably because she lost her dear husband a year or two ago. She was a school principal so seeing needs and helping direct individuals comes natural to her. She has such a level head and is very balanced. I wrote to her in a comment in one of her journals about some of "where I am at" to be able to handle being alone. In fact, I have actually written a letter to her that I have not even sent yet.
Things on the home front here and in my life have been relatively quiet the last couple of weeks, despite the rise of Covid and the roller coaster on the political scene. This gives me the respite to tackle one of my problems of getting my ducks in a line. I do not have a Living Trust and am dragging my feet to pay for a good Elder Law (or something like that) Attorney. In Los Angeles, they run about $4,500. to $5,000. and up for a Living Trust, Will, Durable Power of Attorney, and an Advance Health Care Directive. It's not only the money I am struggling with, but some of the issues it brings up. Since I am anonymous here on FS, I feel I can share some facts. This can be pretty involved, so there are probably not many here on FS that will be interested, but I may find a couple, probably older, individuals. I hope I will not engender too much resistance from other members and I foresee spending several sessions covering what I want and need too. The Living Trust itself is mainly for our home since we don't have much money, but identity theft is rising, and some people are finding their homes being sold out from under them. Even if your home isn't paid for, with rising prices, one might have substantial equity in it. We do have "Life Lock" but it is terrible to go through the hassle of somebody forging papers and selling your home to someone else.
The house and the Living Trust is not the problem I want to address. Maybe I should take the time here to speak to the issues of Probate and keeping the house from being taken by the state to pay for nursing home care. There may be those that would take their time apprising me to those things. In California if you don't have a Living Trust but only a Will, one's estate will need to go into "Probate" which can take a year or two and the property would need to be kept up and all bills paid. Not everyone has the money to do that. We only have one heir: our daughter. I have read from an attorney (but must confirm it) that a permanently disabled heir (our daughter has stage 4 cancer) can write a letter to the judge requesting bypassing Probate. The other issue: Medi-Cal is California's version of Medicaid (which comes after Medicare) and it is what people want to pay for a nursing home. We cannot qualify for Medi-Cal since we own 1/2 of a cabin in the mountains with my sister. She will not let us "out" of it, even though she owes me more than her 1/2 is worth and I won't sue my sister. Whew.
It is the Advanced Care Directive I'm struggling with. I've read horror stories about it not being "good enough" when you really need it. In fact, my nephew told me a week ago that hospitals won't accept our DNR/DNI's (Do Not Resuscitate/Do Not Intubate) that we have hanging on our refrigerator, for all kinds of medication or medical decisions, and won't even let me as a wife make those decisions for my husband if he can't. I know I do not want CPR. They have to go in/press down an inch or inch and a half and I have severe osteoporosis. They would break many ribs, and it is usual to puncture the lungs, and sometimes the liver. That can be torture. Not 10% of the people my age would ever come out of it as strong or well as they went into it. If you are young and healthy and have a car accident, okay. You can come back. Not me. My biggest issue is pain. I don't want that kind of pain for any length of time thereafter. I love the Lord, I've accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. Just let me go. BUT: what if my husband can't let me go. We've been married for nearly 60 years; could he hang tough in an emergency? My sister says no. I'm seriously thinking of putting my daughter as the first person as the decision-maker if I'm unable to. Will his feelings be hurt that I don't trust him? This is serious stuff. She doesn't even live in this state. Last month, the nurse evaluating my husband for physical therapy said that even though we have a DNR/DNI hanging on our refrigerator, that if you call 911, the rescue squad will not obey it between your home and the hospital, and will give you CPR, like if you have a heart attack or serious stroke, like it or not. At this point, that's terrifying to me.
I do not want to be intubated: put on a ventilator, like in the case of Covid19, or serious pneumonia. Most people of my age, that are put on a ventilator die anyway. If they don't die, they are in a world of trouble trying to get better. It's not the same as when you are young. I have 3 heart problems: each side slushes backwards, plus I have an electrical problem. I have a mild chronic cough that is usually wet. If they put one on a ventilator, you can't talk, you can't eat, and these days because of Covid19 you are all alone. Some hospitals are treating people from the hall by video, so the nurses and doctors don't even have to go into the room as often. No thank you. I do have a little fear that if it feels like I'm drowning, will I have the strength (guts) to say no to the ventilator? I hope so. If I'm so sick I need one, I just want to go be with my Savior: for eternity. Woo-ooh.
At this rate it will take me several days to get to my question or point. To be continued...
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