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My friends, I have a dilemma. It is somewhat diet related, but bear with me.
Last year, I dated a really, really nice guy for about 4 months. I had been practicing 'unconditional living' for about a year before I met him, and decided to love unconditionally as well. What that means is that you place no conditions on, or need to control the other person, and stay true to yourself. And it was amazing. Unfortunately, we started dating just one month to the day after his wife of 32 years died after a long illness, and he really wasn't ready for a relationship, let alone an evolved one. He was uncomfortable with the fact that I was in love with him, but he wasn't with me. I was really ok with it, because my love is mine, and doesn't need to be reciprocated to be validated. He didn't get that, and broke off the relationship abruptly and kind of out of the blue, the day after we spent my birthday at the beach.
Yesterday, after not hearing from him since last June, I got an email from him, asking if we could be friends. He explained that he regretted the abrupt way he handled things, and that he still wanted to be friends, but had gotten into a 'committed, live-in relationship' with a woman who has 'trust issues' for a little over a year, so he couldn't reach out to me while they were together. Now that they've broken up, he's free to be my friend again, and wants to see me, *as friends*.
Now the diet related part...we're both foodies, and a lot of our relationship centered around going out to eat, preparing food, and things like that. I'm not concerned about going out to eat, since I'm committed to my WOE, and know I can find something on plan at any restaurant. I'm just not real sure what his intentions are. I still love him, but I'm not IN love with him.
I'm not really looking for advice, I just needed to get this down in writing. But any insights are welcome.
And, oh yeah...another little bump down in weight. :-)
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 Comments
Congrats on the nice loss. Sounds like your other issue is quite complicated. But we can never have too many friends, so I think maybe agree to his request and see what happens. It does make me wonder if the lady he was with has "trust issues" because he has "commitment issues". So you should probably keep that in mind. I wish you well with whatever you decide. And remember "No love is ever wasted". Hugs!
11 Sep 16 by member: rhontique
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Friends is one thing, but I'd be careful. The fact that he started seeing you only a month after his wife's death and then jumped into a live-in relationship says he still may not have dealt with his wife's death and/or can't stand the idea of being alone. I know this because I went through something similar (though not as quickly) after my husband died. Be friends, but watch your heart. I agree that "No love is every wasted." You're a wise woman, you'll do what's right for you.
11 Sep 16 by member: PhillySue
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Thank you, Rhontique and Sue. I value your insights!
11 Sep 16 by member: mskestrela
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A lot of my friends are foodies. Many of them are trying to lose weight. We talk a lot about what food-related activities I am doing to lose the weight I have, how to make delicious food that is healthy in low-fat high-quality ways, and often we eat together too. So, if you want to be friends, treat him like a friend (make plans to see him, go to activities together, call once in a while to say hi) but if you are not IN love with him, then saying "thank you, let's see how it goes" and not really making plans to see him is a good way of saying that you wish him well but that you already have plenty of real friends. He might need some one to lean on right now, and you will probably have to set strong limits. Good luck!
11 Sep 16 by member: abbadabba
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My own experience is that it's very difficult to "just be friends”: If we love someone, and they don't feel the same, it puts us in a tough place, and vulnerable. For me, that would be too many red flags. :)
11 Sep 16 by member: billtech66
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Green arrows are always good!
11 Sep 16 by member: warrenwinter
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It would at least be fun to let him see how much weight you've lost! Just a shallow suggestion from the peanut gallery! :)
11 Sep 16 by member: erikahollister
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Thanks, guys. I love all the points of view from you. @Bill, I was hoping for a male insight, so thank you. @Erika, the thought HAD crossed my mind. LOL!
11 Sep 16 by member: mskestrela
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I love that you asked our opinions. This is what I advise you to say, "I am not interested in being your friend. When you are ready to date, give me a call."
11 Sep 16 by member: LadyinDenim
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Wait I am confused a bit... He was in a live in relationship with someone else as he was dating you?. Now that he is broken up with said person he wants to be friends? If you can handle it go for it. I personally would chose not to do this since I love myself enough to expect more from someone.
Now as to meeting him, dressing to the hilt showing off how much weight you have lost and how much he missed out on absolutely.. Is this mean yep it is and yet could be kind of a closure. Friends maybe... So hang in there. Great job on the bump
11 Sep 16 by member: Rains120
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I'm inclined to the view that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Once he moved on from his bereavement was the time to get back in touch. Not after splitting up from his next amour. Sounds to me like he is missing something, but it is not love.
11 Sep 16 by member: JockoT
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JockoT, I just read your profile. I am married to a Ferguson and we have a trip to Scotland on our bucket list. Maybe the year after next :)
11 Sep 16 by member: LadyinDenim
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@Rains, no, he started seeing the live in after we broke up. Not long after, I imagine, since it's only been a little over a year since we parted. I kind of think he's a "serial monogamist". LOL
11 Sep 16 by member: mskestrela
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@Jocko, I'm afraid the sea in these parts is severely over-fished. At my age, and with my standards, the pickings are mighty slim. Truth be told, I haven't had a date since the split. :-/
11 Sep 16 by member: mskestrela
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It's okay to be friends, only if it isn't hurting you, I tried to be friends with someone I previously loved and found it stirred up a lot of sad emotions. So whatever you decide make sure you give yourself some unconditional love and don't let anyone hurt you 🙏🏼💕
11 Sep 16 by member: anniemp93
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From the outside what I read was that he couldn't get into a committed relationship with you but soon after breaking it off with you he did just that. Now that he doesn't have that anymore he's reaching out to you. Most guys don't know how to be a women's friend unless there is more to it. I fear you will get hurt since I don't think his intentions are "honorable". Trust me I've been there and our hearts want to believe but actions do speak very loundly
11 Sep 16 by member: newme5188
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Thank you @Annie and @Newme. Valuable insights there. I'm not sure how I feel about him any more. I had pretty much closed that chapter. But he was up front with me while we were dating, and told me he wasn't in love with me. And I really was ok with that. I'm having lunch with him on Wednesday, to see what it's about. I told him I'd see him to see IF we could be friends. Thank you for caring and sharing.
11 Sep 16 by member: mskestrela
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Nice loss, Kes - and I would not like to hear of you being hurt. You are wise though and will make a good decision.
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11 Sep 16 by member: mskestrela
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friends is ok;but he kinda sounds like someone who can't be alone and that may not make a healthy relationship. just be careful and don't put yourself in a situation that may hurt you. as we all know being emotionally hurt is never good for a diet
11 Sep 16 by member: kathleenscanlan
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