mskestrela's Journal, 13 Jul 16

This is going to be a ramble, folks. But I need to record the flashback epiphany that just hit.
So, I'm back to somewhere between IF 23:1 and 20:4. Still only one meal a day, just the timing depends on my work schedule. I got some advice on a group on Facebook, that 'seems' sound with what they cite, but is counter-intuitive to what my body is saying. They say that it's *very* important on LCHF to hit the protein macro, or 'very bad things will happen". The problem is, and has been for some time, that I just can't eat very much at one sitting! Tonight I made snow crab clusters and a HUGE artichoke with drawn garlic butter. Yes, it was SO good! I managed to finish one crab cluster, and most of the usable leaves of the artichoke, and about 90% of the 3 Tbs of butter. Yummy, delicious, satisfying....all of that. But when the satiety hormone (Leptin) kicks in, I am DONE! I took a little break, and tried to finish the artichoke heart and the last leg of the crab cluster, and I found myself forcing it down. No pleasure, no enjoying the flavor, and waves of nausea....because I was trying so hard to get the calorie count up to at least 1000 for the day. That's when the flashback hit HARD.
I was a skinny child, up until the age of about 5 or 6. Happy, energetic, curious.
I had, probably, a normal appetite for that age. One night, my mother had made a pot roast, and the meat was dry and stringy. I ate the accompanying veggies with gusto, and was happily full. Mom was a "clean your plate" advocate, and probably gave me more than I needed. Or she saw my criticism of the meat as a personal affront. Whatever the reason, she decided it was time to teach me a lesson that night. She told me I had to sit there until the last bite was gone. The table was cleared, everyone else went in the other room, and I sat there in front of that plate of now-congealing meat, crying. I cried myself to sleep, sitting at that table. To my mother, that was rebellion of the highest order. She woke me up after everyone had gone to bed, and told me that I could go to bed, but that that plate would be there for breakfast in the morning. And if I didn't eat it for breakfast, I would get it for lunch...and if not then, for dinner the next night.
The next morning, I woke up, my usual happy kid self, having forgotten the ordeal of the night before. I bipped downstairs, to be greeted by a cold plate with leftover, stringy, even-more-dried-out pot roast. She didn't even bother to reheat it. She was still very angry, and told me that until I finished that pot roast, there would be no other food for me. I forced it down, crying the whole time. Less than a year later, I was the fattest kid in my class, and my unhealthy relationship with food was cemented into my psyche.
Tonight, as I tried to force down the last of the food on my plate, it all came flooding back.
I may be gone for a few days, as I work through healing that 5 year-old me, and through forgiving my mother. Interesting footnote..I'm almost the age now that she was when she died. Food for thought.

---

870 kcal

Fat: 49.66g | Prot: 28.90g | Carbs: 21.00g.   Breakfast: Pyure Stevia Sweetener, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Half and Half Cream. Dinner: Rum, Coca-Cola Diet Coke, Cooked Artichoke (from Fresh), Butter (Salted), Red Lobster Snow Crab Legs (1 Pound). more...

3133 kcal

Exercise: Shopping - 45 minutes, Cleaning - 25 minutes, Cooking - 40 minutes, Watching TV/Computer - 6 hours, Washing Dishes - 25 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 4 hours and 10 minutes, Driving - 1 hour, Standing - 2 hours, Blowdrying hair - 35 minutes. more...