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I'm so stressed. Things with my boyfriend are rocky. I don't want to break up with him, but I feel like we may already be over. It seems like we don't want to break up with each other because the alternative for both of us is awful. He can't afford to live on his own, and his parents would rather he be out on his own and independent. He's going to be 37 this year. I don't have any friends or family. I've lived on my own a few times before. After my mom died in '05, my dad kicked me out because he'd been having an affair while my mom was dying of lung cancer and wanted to get married two weeks after she passed. I wasn't having that and we got into a huge fight. That's when my weight really started to balloon. I lived with my brother for a couple of years, then I lived with my grandmother while she was sick, then I lived on my own, then with a roommate, on my own and now I'm with my boyfriend. I can do it again, I'm just so afraid that no one else will want me. I need to stop thinking that way. It's scary for me to allow myself to be confident. It's like I'm asking for some jerk to knock me down and try to put me in my place. The other thing is the financial repercussions of us breaking up. If we broke up, I'd leave AZ. I can't stand this place. So, I'd have to figure a way to break the lease, move to a different state, find a place for my dog and I to live, and get a job quickly as possible. I'll probably have to get a car. I'm in college as well, that's not cheap. I wish there was a button I could click that would just tell me what to do and that everything will be okay. I'm most afraid that if I break up with him and I fail to get a job or the company goes under etc, I'll wind up on the street. That seems like a death sentence to me. I'm not getting physical hunger pangs at all, it's in my head. All I can think of is having potatoes every which way, massive bean and cheese burritos, pizza, lasagna, just amazing tasting food that'll make me gain more weight and add to the stress and my blood pressure. I'm talking with a therapist online, which helps me think through some problems, like how I need to be more assertive and to change my self talk to be more confident. It's rough, but I'm hoping that one day, I'll wake up and realize that my life is good and that I am mostly happy. Have to take the good with the bad and right now it's mostly bad. I'm living to work right now because of my boyfriend and his intense dislike of any traffic and I'm always tired because of it. We're up at 5:30 am, at work by 6:30. We start at 8, get off at 5, and then are home by 6:30, then to bed at about 10, well I am. I'm a night owl and can't shut myself off until it's 3 am. *headdesk*
View Diet Calendar, 08 September 2016:
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1524 kcal
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Fat: 47.76g | Prot: 81.15g | Carbs: 194.09g.
Breakfast: Premier Nutrition High Protein Shake - Strawberries & Cream. Lunch: Subway Onions, Subway 6" Wheat Bread, Subway Banana Peppers, Subway Black Olives, Subway 6" Meatball Marinara, Subway Provolone Cheese, Doritos Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips (28g), Shamrock Farms Low Fat Cottage Cheese. Snacks/Other: Silk Pure Almond Milk - Dark Chocolate, Cupcake with Icing, Water. more...
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2127 kcal
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Exercise:
Walking (moderate) - 5/kph - 28 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 32 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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